He was hugely offended
once when the local council wrote to him, addressing him as “Dear Mr Hawker”.
This was in the mid-1970s, which in itself is not particularly relevant. What
was relevant was that he regarded “Mr Hawker” to be far too familiar. “Grandad,
the person writing to you probably thought he was being very polite”. (The acceptable
form of address should have been “Dear Sir”).
(All this reminds that
that at my school, KCS Wimbledon, we schoolboys used to address each other by our
surnames. It seems quite bizarre now. I don’t know if this custom still
persists).
Anyway this whole
piece of reminiscing came about as a result of a visit to a gastro pub in
Guildford and being greeting by “Hi Guys”. I thought this unusual and put it
down to having been away from England for too long. (Soon they’ll be saying “Hi
Col”). Our hosts on the other hand, who have not been away from England for 12
years, thought that this was far too familiar.
I have decided that I
am an alien here, as I am probably the only person in the country who does not
qualify for free medical treatment here. Therefore, as such, I am unqualified
to judge (as well as having to pay for my own medical treatment).
Ordering the meals
also proved fertile ground for the use of now commonly used expressions. “I’ll
have the mushroom soup, please”, receives the not impolite response of “No
problem”. “No problem – kein Problem” is commonly used in Switzerland, but
normally not by waiters or waitresses in restaurants taking orders. Having said
that I am not sure that I have really made a proper survey of this and will be
sure to rectify this on our return to Switzerland.
Our host made the
observation that the statement obviously indicates that there might potentially
have been a problem or indeed that perhaps having a problem was the normal
state of affairs. Therefore the response “No problem” indicated that this was
an exception and the mushroom soup was not only on the menu, but was also
available for our gastronomic pleasure.
All this means that I
had better be prepared for a shock if I return more often to the U.K. Cool or
what.
Beware of courtesy
extended by the car in front.
The second theme of
this long awaited blog (2013 has been a lean year so far for the Grumpy Blog) is
that it does not take long to realise that you are back in England. You will
realise from this statement that you are in for a heavy dose of sarcasm.
My father is under the
mistaken impression that it is a good thing to show courtesy to other drivers. Such
foolish notions include letting cars out into stream of traffic instead of making
them wait there for the next 30 minutes.
Another frequent
example of his motoring madness is to allow in a car coming from the other
direction who wishes to cross the traffic. This is easily achieved by taking
the foot off the accelerator and a flash of the lights should have the oncoming
motorist on his way.
I had forgotten that normal
traffic etiquette (normally involving acceleration) is to the stop other
motorists pulling out turning right etc.
It makes no difference
if the traffic is almost stationary. The space in front should be filled up immediately
and the car coming out the side road taught the virtue of patience.
Furthermore if the car
in front tries to carry out any of acts of courtesy, the proper response is to
hoot the horn for two seconds to show the correct measure of disapproval. I
must confess that this latter response and use of the horn is a new one to me.
It is a further sign that I have been away from England for too long and should
stay away.
(I reserve the horn
for hooting at Swiss drivers who do not indicate when going around a roundabout,
for kids ambling across Thalwil High Street with their headphones on, for cars
in front who look as if they have forgotten how to do a hill start and want to
rearrange the front of my car…and oh yes ….etc).
I think that this hooting
has real further potential. Why not hoot when the car in front is driving at
the speed limit, instead of the normal 10 mph above. Hoot at pedestrians on
Zebra crossings when they walk over too slowly, especially if they are pushing
a buggy.
Hoot if the car in
front does not drive over traffic lights, just after they have turned red and
certainly hoot if the car in front does not move off at the aforesaid traffic
lights 0.1 seconds after the lights have gone amber.
Learners should be
hooted just for being there.
And so on. Welcome
back to England.
