I have been waiting for the lawyers of the News of the World to contact me. I feel that it is only a matter of time. As an important person, never far from the news (although never actually in it), I must have been a target of phone hacking by the super sleuths from all sections of the English Press. The only question remaining is what level of compensation shall I accept?
But who can blame them? The English public want to know what Grumpy is about to publish in the forthcoming week. Who is he going to attack next? What stimulating insights into day to day life will he reveal? What Grumpiness will he shortly unveil? Who is inviting him to coffee? Are there gossip-worthy goings-on behind the lace curtains of Wannenstrasse. (Actually, nobody has curtains here, so we can all have a jolly good peek at what the neighbours are having for dinner or what they are watching on television.)
It is self-evident that there are no depths to which these hacks will not stoop, in their quest for Grumpy-gossip.
My indignation is running out of steam. There are several objections with this outburst. Not that Grumpy isn’t newsworthy (He just hasn’t been discovered yet), but if he cannot access his own voicemails (with his £2 mobile phone, with its £5 of talk time remaining), how will the sozzled members of Fleet Street be able to do this.
But if my phone is not being hacked, I am seriously worried. Why has no one been listening to my messages? I demand compensation for being ignored. The British Public demand an answer from the valiant defenders of our English Freedoms. If Grumpy is being ignored today, whose turn will it be tomorrow? Madonna; Prince William; Wayne Rooney; Liz Hurley?
The English Press have a duty to pry where no man has pried (or is it “pryed?”) before. It is their duty to provide the British Public with a daily dose of meaningless celebrity drivel. Fashion houses are relying on the Press to report what nail varnish Kate Middleton is wearing (or going to wear, if her voice-mail is to be believed).
Actually, I don’t believe that the English Press have hacked into anyone’s telephone. Why would they need to, when most of it is made up?
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
How Did You Spend the 27th March?
On Sunday 27th March, as decreed by the authorities across Europe, we all had to put our clocks forward…..or rather we didn’t …. or at least not all of them.
This very confusing state of affairs was demonstrated by my computer, which complied with this directive, of its own accord, by the time I rose to make my first cup of coffee.
My iPod had also decided to march on one hour, so I went on an exploration to see if the microwave and oven had reset themselves. No, in these cases, it was necessary, once again, to reach for the instruction manual and refresh my brain on how to do this manually.
My mobile phone did not know of this change, but what do you expect from a phone that cost 3 Swiss Francs (£2) and only has 9 Swiss Francs of credit on it, at any one time.
The car was more of a problem. The clock moves ahead of its own volition, so after six months, it has just about reached the new correct time. In September, I will need to set it back two hours. Not only does it fail to keep good time, but is barely readable anyway, suffering from old age and general bloody mindedness.
What about the battery operated clock on the lounge bookcase? (I am not sure why we have one here, but we do.) This one too had to be manipulated by one of those little screws at the back. You know the ones, which you have to pull out and then turn, by which time you have forgotten the time, and have to go to the kitchen to check the time on the microwave.
Naturally, microwaves are the proper point of reference on matters to do with time keeping. “What’s the time?” “I am not sure. I’ll just check the microwave”. (Why not check with the battery clock in the lounge?)
I also have two of clocks that are synchronised by satellite. I have no idea how this works. Actually it doesn’t any more, at least not for the one that I brought with me from England 9 years ago. I think that the firm that sold these must have forgotten to pay their satellite fee, because I even have to correct this one myself. The Swiss one still seems to be OK for the time being….or is it the other way around?
As for the DVD player and recorder, this is even more confusing, as we used to keep this on English time, but now keep this on Swiss time, or is it on English time for 6 months of the year, and Swiss time for the other 6 months.
So there we have it. Have I forgotten any time pieces? As you can tell, I spent the whole day hunting down clocks and related user manuals, to restore chronological harmony back into the Hawker Household.
How did you spend your 27th March?
This very confusing state of affairs was demonstrated by my computer, which complied with this directive, of its own accord, by the time I rose to make my first cup of coffee.
My iPod had also decided to march on one hour, so I went on an exploration to see if the microwave and oven had reset themselves. No, in these cases, it was necessary, once again, to reach for the instruction manual and refresh my brain on how to do this manually.
My mobile phone did not know of this change, but what do you expect from a phone that cost 3 Swiss Francs (£2) and only has 9 Swiss Francs of credit on it, at any one time.
The car was more of a problem. The clock moves ahead of its own volition, so after six months, it has just about reached the new correct time. In September, I will need to set it back two hours. Not only does it fail to keep good time, but is barely readable anyway, suffering from old age and general bloody mindedness.
What about the battery operated clock on the lounge bookcase? (I am not sure why we have one here, but we do.) This one too had to be manipulated by one of those little screws at the back. You know the ones, which you have to pull out and then turn, by which time you have forgotten the time, and have to go to the kitchen to check the time on the microwave.
Naturally, microwaves are the proper point of reference on matters to do with time keeping. “What’s the time?” “I am not sure. I’ll just check the microwave”. (Why not check with the battery clock in the lounge?)
I also have two of clocks that are synchronised by satellite. I have no idea how this works. Actually it doesn’t any more, at least not for the one that I brought with me from England 9 years ago. I think that the firm that sold these must have forgotten to pay their satellite fee, because I even have to correct this one myself. The Swiss one still seems to be OK for the time being….or is it the other way around?
As for the DVD player and recorder, this is even more confusing, as we used to keep this on English time, but now keep this on Swiss time, or is it on English time for 6 months of the year, and Swiss time for the other 6 months.
So there we have it. Have I forgotten any time pieces? As you can tell, I spent the whole day hunting down clocks and related user manuals, to restore chronological harmony back into the Hawker Household.
How did you spend your 27th March?
Monday, April 4, 2011
Comments from Grumpy’s Followers
It’s about time that the faithful followers of this blog had a mention. The regular comments of encouragement keep me going. They also provide ideas for future new blogs, as well as additional material that I could and should have included first time around. Here is a sample:
My favourite was received after one of my humour failure periods.
“You have obviously run out of pep pills or illegal tobacco, as your blog hasn't appeared since the 5th April. I can let you have some aspirins as well as other assorted pills associated with old age. It doesn't mention on the leaflets in each packet that it helps blogs but you never know - maybe we've found something and can be rich and famous like the chaps who founded Google and the computer software company who everyone knows but I can't remember.” From My Dad
“The boy’s a genius. He must have got his talent from his Dad.” - From My Dad
“Many thanks for the blogs. Is it necessary to be completely crazy to enjoy your blogs? Even if not, it certainly helps. Once I thought I was mad and now I know that I am just crazy” – John Appleton, who has known me since I was 9 years old. Yes, it certainly helps you to enjoy my ramblings, if you are just a little bit loopy.
By the way, he was the only person to know that “Boots and Rags” were two dogs that we had when I was a boy. (Remember? New BROOM Methodology – oh well, never mind).
My most vocal supporter (if you can be vocal by email) is David Gray from Bakewell. Privately, he is known as Grumpy’s cousin. A recent contribution may strike some chords: “How about a blog slot on why the Netherlands are so good at cricket, but Kenya still haven't worked out which end of the bat to hold.”
He also added: “Which brings me on to petrol and diesel........ Why are they now selling petrol and diesel through the same coloured pipes? It used to be green for petrol and black for diesel; but now they are increasingly both black! Why? ......... Do they want people to get confused? Have they run out of green pipe in the world? Perhaps they got a good deal on the black pipe. Answers to all major supermarkets please“
Oh yes – he is really getting into the mood.
Bill Hall, previously of the Financial Times, gave much needed encouragement and technical support in the formative stages of this Blog. He has asked for a blog on “What's wrong with Scottish football?” and added the following suggestions
1) The Scottish referees strike. Why could they not import a few strike breakers from South of the Border? Instead they have been looking all over the place for foreign referees, just so long as they are not English.
2) There are only two teams that matter in Scotland - Celtic and Rangers, and at least one of them, if not both, ought to be in the Premiership. Manchester and Liverpool both have two teams in the premiership and they are not much different from Glasgow. Just think what it would do to Glasgow's international reputation if they had a premiership club. They might have to rename themselves as Glasgow Rangers or Glasgow Celtic to get maximum effect.
After all Cardiff City and Swansea are second and third in the Championship and at least one of them could be promoted to the Premier League next season.
One of my old Oxford friends commented on the use of the Harvard Business Review as a cure for insomnia. “But if you want a real cure for insomnia, try Keynes' General Theory. I have proved beyond all doubt that three pages are at least as good as a couple of temazepam tablets. I suspect it is also more obtainable and portable than HBR.” So insomniacs of the world – there’s your answer.
Marilyn Sadler of Shenfield, Essex fame suggested that you could count how many Eddy Stobart lorries you see whilst travelling and keep a log of all of the lorry names which are located on the driver door – apparently each Eddy lorry has a different registered name. Now there’s a thought.
That’s all there’s time for on this blog. Sorry to those of you who have sent me comments, but which are not published. It could be your turn soon.
Please keep the comments coming in.
Important (and serious) notice: No comment or email to me is published without the writer’s permission, so your secrets are safe with me.
My favourite was received after one of my humour failure periods.
“You have obviously run out of pep pills or illegal tobacco, as your blog hasn't appeared since the 5th April. I can let you have some aspirins as well as other assorted pills associated with old age. It doesn't mention on the leaflets in each packet that it helps blogs but you never know - maybe we've found something and can be rich and famous like the chaps who founded Google and the computer software company who everyone knows but I can't remember.” From My Dad
“The boy’s a genius. He must have got his talent from his Dad.” - From My Dad
“Many thanks for the blogs. Is it necessary to be completely crazy to enjoy your blogs? Even if not, it certainly helps. Once I thought I was mad and now I know that I am just crazy” – John Appleton, who has known me since I was 9 years old. Yes, it certainly helps you to enjoy my ramblings, if you are just a little bit loopy.
By the way, he was the only person to know that “Boots and Rags” were two dogs that we had when I was a boy. (Remember? New BROOM Methodology – oh well, never mind).
My most vocal supporter (if you can be vocal by email) is David Gray from Bakewell. Privately, he is known as Grumpy’s cousin. A recent contribution may strike some chords: “How about a blog slot on why the Netherlands are so good at cricket, but Kenya still haven't worked out which end of the bat to hold.”
He also added: “Which brings me on to petrol and diesel........ Why are they now selling petrol and diesel through the same coloured pipes? It used to be green for petrol and black for diesel; but now they are increasingly both black! Why? ......... Do they want people to get confused? Have they run out of green pipe in the world? Perhaps they got a good deal on the black pipe. Answers to all major supermarkets please“
Oh yes – he is really getting into the mood.
Bill Hall, previously of the Financial Times, gave much needed encouragement and technical support in the formative stages of this Blog. He has asked for a blog on “What's wrong with Scottish football?” and added the following suggestions
1) The Scottish referees strike. Why could they not import a few strike breakers from South of the Border? Instead they have been looking all over the place for foreign referees, just so long as they are not English.
2) There are only two teams that matter in Scotland - Celtic and Rangers, and at least one of them, if not both, ought to be in the Premiership. Manchester and Liverpool both have two teams in the premiership and they are not much different from Glasgow. Just think what it would do to Glasgow's international reputation if they had a premiership club. They might have to rename themselves as Glasgow Rangers or Glasgow Celtic to get maximum effect.
After all Cardiff City and Swansea are second and third in the Championship and at least one of them could be promoted to the Premier League next season.
One of my old Oxford friends commented on the use of the Harvard Business Review as a cure for insomnia. “But if you want a real cure for insomnia, try Keynes' General Theory. I have proved beyond all doubt that three pages are at least as good as a couple of temazepam tablets. I suspect it is also more obtainable and portable than HBR.” So insomniacs of the world – there’s your answer.
Marilyn Sadler of Shenfield, Essex fame suggested that you could count how many Eddy Stobart lorries you see whilst travelling and keep a log of all of the lorry names which are located on the driver door – apparently each Eddy lorry has a different registered name. Now there’s a thought.
That’s all there’s time for on this blog. Sorry to those of you who have sent me comments, but which are not published. It could be your turn soon.
Please keep the comments coming in.
Important (and serious) notice: No comment or email to me is published without the writer’s permission, so your secrets are safe with me.
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