Why am I being ignored?

I have been waiting for the lawyers of the News of the World to contact me. I feel that it is only a matter of time. As an important person, never far from the news (although never actually in it), I must have been a target of phone hacking by the super sleuths from all sections of the English Press. The only question remaining is what level of compensation shall I accept?

But who can blame them? The English public want to know what Grumpy is about to publish in the forthcoming week. Who is he going to attack next? What stimulating insights into day to day life will he reveal? What Grumpiness will he shortly unveil? Who is inviting him to coffee? Are there gossip-worthy goings-on behind the lace curtains of Wannenstrasse. (Actually, nobody has curtains here, so we can all have a jolly good peek at what the neighbours are having for dinner or what they are watching on television.)

It is self-evident that there are no depths to which these hacks will not stoop, in their quest for Grumpy-gossip.

My indignation is running out of steam. There are several objections with this outburst. Not that Grumpy isn’t newsworthy (He just hasn’t been discovered yet), but if he cannot access his own voicemails (with his £2 mobile phone, with its £5 of talk time remaining), how will the sozzled members of Fleet Street be able to do this.

But if my phone is not being hacked, I am seriously worried. Why has no one been listening to my messages? I demand compensation for being ignored. The British Public demand an answer from the valiant defenders of our English Freedoms. If Grumpy is being ignored today, whose turn will it be tomorrow? Madonna; Prince William; Wayne Rooney; Liz Hurley?

The English Press have a duty to pry where no man has pried (or is it “pryed?”) before. It is their duty to provide the British Public with a daily dose of meaningless celebrity drivel. Fashion houses are relying on the Press to report what nail varnish Kate Middleton is wearing (or going to wear, if her voice-mail is to be believed).

Actually, I don’t believe that the English Press have hacked into anyone’s telephone. Why would they need to, when most of it is made up?