Awaiting my moment of Fame

We are temporarily living about 15 minutes from the City centre of Norwich. If you are an avid reader of Grumpy’s blog, you probably already knew this. However, it does no harm to be reminded and anyway there will be some of you who have not been paying attention.

You would never find Rose Valley on your own. Not that it is out in the sticks. Au Contraire. It is just off a main road into Norwich called the “Unthank Road”, apparently named after the family who owned the land a long time ago. This piece of information might be useful at a pub quiz and you will thank me later.

Rose Valley is like Platform 9 ¾ at Kings Cross in the Harry Potter books. You drive into this non-existent passage, more as an act of faith than navigation. There it is, a small cul-de-sac with about 20 houses. As another piece of trivial pursuit information, the one at the end of the cul-de-sac has a chimney made by DINAC, which is important as Kevin, my son-in-law, works at DINAC, so this is a very special chimney.

Our house is very well situated for serial shoppers like us. Back on the Unthank Road, only two minutes’ walk from us, there is an arcade consisting of a charity shop, a fish and chip shop, two Chinese takeaways, a pharmacy, a Lloyds Bank, one Indian Takeaway, which specialises in meat dishes without any meat, a funeral director, an estate agent and two off-licences, one very upmarket – so upmarket and expensive that it wouldn’t be out of place in Thalwil high street.

There is also a flower shop, two cafes (one of which calls itself a bistro) and two pubs (one of which calls itself a restaurant).  Last of all, there is a Co-op and a Tesco Express.

The Tesco Express occupies a crucial position in the universe for two reasons.

Firstly, it stands astride a zebra crossing, which has special rules which I have yet to determine. The normal rules about not parking on the jagged lines don’t apply to the flower shop, which must have a special exemption.

On this zebra crossing, pedestrians and motorists pit their wits against each other in the battle for supremacy. No self-respecting motorist wants to stop, even though the speed limit is 20 mph, for which the stopping distance is about 6 inches. However, the reflex times for Unthank Road motorists is about 13 minutes, so stand back when waiting at the zebra crossing.

I should add that I also have discovered that neither the speed limit of 20 mph nor the need to stop at this “just astride the Tesco Express” zebra crossing, does not apply to buses. They operate a minimum 40 mph speed rule on this stretch. Either this or they just hate pedestrians.

There is a second reason for noting this Tesco Express. This commercial marvel, designed to provide the Hawkers with their morning newspapers, milk and emergency provisions, as well as the daily experience of dealing with their very annoying automatic talking pay machines, sits on the junction of (as opposed to “astride of”) the Unthank Road and Trinity Street.

Trinity Street, so far in its insignificant history, has no particular significance. That’s the point of being insignificant. But all this may be about to change.

Three weeks ago, I was minding my own business, walking down the aforesaid insignificant Trinity Street, when along comes the wicked Google van, with its big teeth, long jaw and evil smile, and all the other paraphernalia on its roof, ready to record all images, download all images and private information within a 500 yard radius (but driving less than 20 mph, to distinguish itself from the local Number 25 bus).   

Imagine my excitement. I am going to be on the internet. There will be no missing me. I was wearing my bright blue winter waterproof, which has proved to be the most essential piece of clothing this “summer”. (Have I mentioned the weather yet?)

In my naive excitement and haste, but not so hasty that I couldn’t finish the latest episode of Lewis (when the murder was done by ….uuurrrghh….), I looked up “Street-view” on Google map, and searched on Trinity Street.

I know that you will share my pain and disappointment when the new super “Hawker included” version of Trinity Street did not appear. It not only did not show me in my radiant blue waterproof (being the third object visible from outer space), but showed a cyclist riding down the slope past a piece of waste ground, where Tesco Express should be.

This image, three weeks later, still remains on Street view. Perhaps it will never change. Perhaps, I am doomed never to achieve my moment of fame, apart from being visible from outer space.

Or is this a vision of the future, I ask myself? Perhaps Google has found a way of finding the images of the future. Now that could be useful.

But more importantly, if Tesco Express is no longer there, am I destined to have to walk an additional 200 yards to buy the morning newspaper and the milk for my bowl of Alpen?