Be a Football Player for one day

I want to be a Premier League player or manager for one day. I do not want to be paid for it (although it would be nice). However, I would insist on taking part in one of those match day interviews that now form part of the mandatory diet for sporting events.

Are sportsmen and women trained especially for these questions? Is there a website where they can go, so that they give the correct answers to the four or five questions that are the standard fare of lazy sports interviewers?

“What does this win mean to you?” – Grumpy answer: “Did we win? Is that good? I wasn’t really paying attention. I don’t think that we deserved it, but a couple of fluky goals always come in handy.”

“Are you disappointed after today’s result?” (after a 0 – 2 home defeat). Grumpy answer: “No not really. Taking part and doing your best are much important than winning.”

“What would it mean to you if you were to win the F.A. Cup?” (Yes -. They really do still ask this type of question.) Grumpy answer: “Not a lot really. No-one serious really cares that much about the F.A. Cup these days; there is no money in it, so we will just play our second team and give second division teams a chance.”

“What impact do you think the new manager will have?” Grumpy answer: “None whatsoever. He was a failure at his old club, and he probably won’t be much better here.”

“Is the fact that you have just left your top striker out of the team significant?” Grumpy: “You bet. He is overpaid, plays like a prima donna, is generally lazy and I wouldn’t have chosen him for the club).

“How do you feel about joining your new club, Uxchester Utd?” Grumpy answer: “I don’t really care who I play for, providing they pay me plenty of money.”

Interesting and truthful information in interviews in Sport – Dream on.

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Have you ever had one of those long voice-mail messages, concluding with “…and give me a call back on my home number, XXX XX XXX XXXX.” Of course, the numbers are garbled and unless you already knew the phone number, you will have to listen to the whole message again, just to get at the phone number.

As I can never remember the right number to press to replay the message, I also have to listen to the date and time of the message and menu of options that tell me how to save the message, delete the message or replay the message (Hurrah).

People do the same with airline flight numbers. Leave a long message and then race through the crucial information at the end, leaving the listener floundering. Is this a conspiracy of the telecoms companies or is this a game that people play, just to be annoying?  If so it sounds like a good wheeze.

The last thing, I guess, that the telecoms companies want is for us to start with “This is Grumpy on 079 123 4567. Do you want to subscribe to my blog? If so, please call me back.”

So remember, please leave me a really long message and give an unintelligible phone number at the end.

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I have a great new way to save money. Go on the “Drei-Länder” slow-up cycle ride, around Basel, invite your good friends to join you on this 50 km cycle ride.

http://www.basel-dreiland.ch/

You do this with 65,000 other people, all going about 7 mph, cross over into Germany after 10 k and get excited in anticipation of the first coffee stop, offer to get the coffee and bratwurst and then realise that you do not have any euros.

Thank goodness that someone, in form of Jim Barrington, comes prepared with almost every currency that one might need in Europe. But recompense comes later in the afternoon back in Basel, where Swiss Francs are accepted in exchange for Coca Cola.

So no real money saving wheeze here after all. Sorry folks.