Self Defence in the Streets of Zurich

It’s dangerous out there. It used to be so much safer in my day (whenever that was), but now it is not possible to go on to the streets of Zurich, without being in danger of life and limb. The dangers are manifold.

There are trams in Zurich. This means that you need to look and listen. None of the usual “iPod in the ear” and the “Eyes facing in the other direction”. If you cannot hear and cannot see, then you are tram fodder. It is generally safe to assume that all cars in Zurich will stop at the sight of a pedestrian within 200 yards. No need to listen or look – just cross. It is not easy to mistake a tram for a car, but if you do, then …..oh dear.

If that were not bad enough, there is a new and growing menace. Aliens disguised as OTHER PEOPLE. These “Other People” will stop at nothing to bruise, injure and maim.

Their first strategy is the “Three in a Row”. Outnumbered and Outgunned, you are mercilessly pushed to the ground or to one side. If you stand or walk in a straight line, this is considered bad manners and met by death by X-Ray stares.

Second and more dangerous, is the Alien with the iPhone strategy. This involves the alien walking at high speed with face to the ground, pretending to look into a tiny screen held at the end of its tentacles. There is no perfect counter-strategy for this. Best tactic is turn round, and walk backwards. This fools the alien into believing that it is walking faster than it thought and that it needs to overtake.

Lastly, there is the “Sports Bag under the Arm” strategy. This is a variation on the bowler hat and umbrella strategy employed by Aliens in the City of London in the 50s and 60s. Convincing others that the umbrellas were to be used in the event of rain, Aliens used this weapon in a campaign to inflict wounds on the knees and legs of earthlings. The “Bag under the Arm” is similarly used to bruise the shoulders and upper arms of those who are not sufficiently fast or nimble, to avoid them.

Countermeasures are under development. Most effective to date is the “Rucksack”, a weapon of mass destruction, so terrible as to be banned under the “Rucksack proliferation treaty”. These defensive tools are best used, by turning swiftly 90 degrees, so that it strikes the offending “Bag under the Arm” Alien. This is particularly effective in confined spaces such as buses and queues.

Take No Prisoners in this conflict. The arms race has just started.