Self Defence in the Kitchen

There are sadists at work, whose sole aim in life is to cause pain. They spend their time, scheming ever more ways to entrap innocent people, going about their daily business.

The luggage racks in the double-decker Swiss Trains are perfectly positioned to be unobserved by the otherwise occupied passenger, and to catch them unawares as they stand up suddenly. The sudden shock to the passenger is embarrassment, as much as pain. How anyone can continue to hit their head after 8 years of doing so, is anyone’s guess. Perhaps it is only Grumpy’s particular inability to learn from experience that causes this. But somehow, I think that I am not the only person.

British Rail (or whatever it is called these days) should take note. This is one innovation that you can do without.

Particular praise, though, must go to the designer of our kitchen. The kitchen fan extractor is in danger of being broken. The predicted breakdown is not through overuse, but by being hit by me, every time I hit my head on it. The corners are designed to remove a tiny fleck of skin from a follicly challenged head. Those of you who also have this cerebral enhancement will know how painful this can be.

Who designed this? It must have been a midget. More likely, someone who has never actually done any cooking in his own kitchen. So what is to be done? Moving house seems to be too drastic. Rebuilding the kitchen might be an option. The punishment meted out to the extractor hood does not seem to be working. Some form of defence is called for.

As a matter of public health and safety, I shall be proposing legislation to require all people working in kitchen (commercial and private) to wear protective headgear. I have tested this out. The effect, I think you will agree, is very fetching and practical. This will be extended to people travelling on Swiss Trains.



Now the midgets who design kitchens will have to find another way of causing pain.