To Argue or not to Argue; That is the Question

As we are well into the football season now, it is high time to have some Grumpy comment. When it comes to football, there are so many aspects that one could choose from. On this occasion, I shall share with you my conclusion that everything can put into one of two buckets. (1) The things that I understand and (2) things that I do not understand. Have you got that? Quite simple really.

Things that I do understand include why players from both sides put up their hands for a throw in. Although one of the numerous examples of institutional cheating, it is a completely rational attempt to fool the referee into making an incorrect decision in your favour, and anyway, if you don’t do it, then the other side will. It is the football equivalent of lying to the police about your speed. “I am sure I wasn’t going more than 34 miles per hour, officer……………………Was I really going that fast?”

Falling over in the penalty area also falls into this category. As no referee has ever given a penalty where the player does not fall down, it makes perfect sense for the player not to try too hard to stay on his feet. It fact, it is negligent to try to stay upright.

Another perfectly logical enigma is why the offside rule is so simple in theory, but almost impossible to follow in its interpretation and in practice. If football rules were simplified too much, then commentators would have nothing to talk about at half-time and at the end of the game. “Now let’s look at this latest gaff from the referee”. Forget about the goals. Football commentators equivalent of Fox Hunting (and ought to be banned, except that “the referee enjoys the chase as well”)

The First Item that falls in the heading of “Things that I do not understand” is how all football league games start on time. If kick-off is at 3.00 pm, then you can set your watch by this (unless the Sky TV advertising schedule delays the start.) In business meetings that I attended (Swiss are exempt from this), most participants only arrive after the meeting is due to start. For football games to start on time is quite an achievement as timekeeping requires organisation and discipline, which in most cases has only been mastered by the Swiss. Nevertheless, when it comes to the Great Game, even matches played in (what are loosely known as) countries with a “Latin temperament” (i.e. bad timekeepers), the games kick off on time. Would someone please explain this to me!

Let’s move on to much more familiar territory and explore the mysteries of player behaviour at penalties. It never fails to amaze that players always argue with a penalty decision. On the other hand, it never surprises anyone that the referees never change their mind (the decision in the Celtic v Dundee game this October somewhat knocks a hole in this central observation.)

I do not have any actual data here. I will make some up, but I will not be a million miles wide of the mark. On a rough calculation, there are 2,100 games in the leagues in a season. If on average, a penalty is awarded in every third game, then there about 700 penalties in a season, give or take a few hundred, certainly enough to draw some statistically valid conclusions. Now, here is the observation. In 700 cases out of 700, the defending side protest about the decision and in 699 out 700, the referee doesn’t change his mind (Dougie MacDonald being the exception.)

Perhaps there is a leading football textbook, with a misprint and that all young footballers are required to learn. “You must not argue with the referee about a penalty”, (with “not” omitted”). Yes. I am sure that this is the natural explanation. Any other thoughts?

Snow Chains and Dishwashers

It snowed in Zurich on Wednesday morning. The news from the BBC news told me that you guys, over there, also have several centimetres of snow, about to cause the usual seasonal chaos.

Back here in Zurich, we have the excitement of having the British Prime Minister, as well as Prince William and David Beckham here to promote the U.K.’s bid for the 2018 FIFA World Cup (that’s soccer to my U.S. readers), and who will not be daunted by the few flurries of snow that we have had.

To prepare ourselves for this winter, we have bought a new set of snow chains. The old ones were rusty and generally ready for the knackers yard. More to the point, Hazel was protesting about the procedures for putting the snow-chains on to the car. I have never seen the problem with this procedure, which is perfectly straightforward, and which we have followed in 100% of all of the five cases when they have been needed.

I will explain. I rehearse the assembly in the garage. No problem here. When needed in anger, usually during a howling storm, I remove myself from the car, take the chains from the boot, lay them out under the back wheels, and then spend 15 minutes failing to get them hooked together. Hazel comes out of the car, and snaps them together in about 47 seconds.

What could get simpler than this? I really do not see the problem, but now we have the new snow-chains, we will be able to cut-out the last 47 seconds.

Rearranging the Dishwasher

On a totally unrelated subject, I need to correct any thoughts that all is perfect in my relationship with our lodger. Yes, you have guessed it. He has rearranged the dirty dishes in the dishwasher.

How the dirty dishes are laid out is a very personal matter and should not be lightly interfered with. Now, I load for maximum efficiency on unloading and making sure that the dishwasher is as full as possible. This means constant shuffling around of plates, cups, glasses, soup bowls etc. It is an exercise in optimisation.

One alternative approach is maximum efficiency on loading. Throw the dishes in, put the `dishwasher tablets in and then “Go”. A kind of dishwasher equivalent of “Just Do It!”

Lodger Richard’s philosophy actually concerns itself with the trivial matter of whether the dishes will be clean. Have you ever heard anything like this? You can imagine the conversations. Being challenged on my positioning of the soup ladle (which could have stopped the spinning thingie from spinning around), could be more than a man could bear.

Fortunately, a generous supply of superior red wine comes to the rescue of this relationship. Cheers!

Lodger of the Year Competition

We have a lodger staying with us. No, this is not a joke, but a real life person, of the male variety, to be more precise. Oh yes – he has a name, Richard. Richard is a friend of ours and is returning to England, after many years trying to colonise Germany and more recently, Switzerland and has been staying with us. Frances has already returned with their dog, Gizzi, getting the house ship shape.

I have decided to sponsor Richard for the “Lodger of the Year”. A Google search seemed to be best place to start, but this revealed nothing, or at least nothing of any use. Therefore, as you would have expected, I have decided to sponsor my own competition.

Criteria will be as follows:

- buys really good red wine (White wine does not qualify for the purposes of this competition)
- is in the apartment when you are in a foreign country and has to deal with the aftermath of a major power surge, in conjunction with an almost total failure of the fuse box (an alternative, which will be accepted, is for the lodger or his spouse, during the same aforesaid absence, to clear up the cellar following a back-up of the sewerage)
- brings back English Newspapers regularly
- listens patiently while the Landlord complains about the quality of English Newspapers
- joins in culinary experiments (“Prawn Pasta Salad” being a specific hypothetical example)
- is always good humour, and good company
- makes valiant (but mostly unfruitful) attempts to introduce into the house, the civilising concept of a “Teapot”
- donates a tea cosy to assist in the previously mentioned civilising
- comes up with practical ideas on how to move an old 73 kilo Television from its existing stand, down into the garage, and helping Grumpy avoid serious injury
- participates in the opening days of a diet after the landlords’ homecoming from the U.S.
- makes complimentary, albeit vague, noises about ridiculous blogs written by the Landlord
- buys interesting and varied cheeses to be eaten while drinking good red wine (see first criteria as above)

If you think that you have a lodger who meets all or some of these demanding criteria, then you can sponsor him (or her) in this exciting one-off event.

The Prize will be a dinner in the company of and cooked by Grumpy, consisting of Grumpy’s Special Onion Soup, Pork à la Grumpy, followed by mature cheese, all accompanied by really good red wine (But you may need to bring your own cheese and wine)

Our Television has Died

It is very sad to say goodbye to an old piece of furniture. After all, it has become a friend of the family. Our television has reached this stage.

To understand the impact on us, you need to go back to October 2002. Hazel and I borrowed a trolley from the Thalwil InterDiscount (the local electrical store) and rolled the 11 stone TV down the road to our apartment, much to the amazement of the InterDiscount staff and the passersby.

Do you remember those old TVs? They are / were almost as deep as they were wide. This television was deliberately designed not to fit into our lift. We were on the fourth floor in those days. Each floor had thirty steps and the TV weighed the previously mentioned 11 stone - something of a challenge.

As good English folk, the first thing was to make a cup of tea. Now you have to
realise that this TV took about 40 minutes to carry up. Plenty of stops to boil the kettle, make the tea, drink it, make another one and so on. We reckoned that if anyone stole this 11 stone monstrosity, while we were taking part in the English tea ritual, then we would be able to recognise them by their crooked backs and looks of pain.

Eight years later, our TV has repaid this love and attention by switching itself off at random, usually during the last 10 minutes of detective programmes. It has also reduced the size of the picture, which has the advantage that you can no longer see the irritating news which moves across the bottom of the screen at one letter per second.

So for the last week, we have been immersing ourselves in learning and understanding new terms, LED, LCD, HD ready and Full HD, knowing what size screen we needed and getting used to the fact these new TVs only weigh 30 pounds. Imagine that; being able to carry the TV up the stairs without having time to make two cups of tea. Takes the fun out of the whole operation.

Delivery of the new TV is due on Friday. We think. Information about delivery of TVs, at least from InterDiscount, seems to be somewhat uncertain. We expect to be told before the TV arrives, but the interval between being told and the arrival might only be a couple of hours.

If you see me walking around with a hunched back next week, you will know that the TV has arrived, and that I am no longer able to carry a 30 pound TV.

Writing a Novel - Enlisting the Efforts of Grumpy’s supporters

I have been challenged to write a novel. A friend of ours was good enough to inform me of a forthcoming Novel Writing Challenge. November is national Novel Writing Month. It doesn’t say which country, so I am not sure if I am eligible, and secretly, I am hoping that I am not.

http://www.nanowrimo.org/

“If you can write a Blog, you should write a novel”, she said. This is what many of the readers of my U.S. trip blog have been shouting to me. Do I dare believe that this is really and honestly deserved? Modesty would normally forbid me to comment further, but I should say that I am having problems getting my head through doors these days.

Now I am not normally persuaded to embark on ambitious and dangerous tasks, even when encouraged and pushed along by friends and supporters. Furthermore, if it is true that we all have a novel in us, waiting to get out, I am not sure where mine has been hiding. Perhaps it has been removed by accident, taken with an extracted tooth, when giving a blood sample, or simply abducted by aliens.

“Only 50,000 words in one month is the target”, She casually announced. “…and it is not a competition. Just an opportunity to have a peer group review and comment. A kind of friendly audience”. More like friendly fire, if you ask me. Sounds like some ancient form of masochism.

Do you have any idea what 50,000 words look like? “It’s only about 175 pages”, she helpfully added. “HOW MANY?” I replied. You can tell that I was getting agitated at this point. “My U.S. Trip blog was only about 20,000 words” (I have no idea really, but I was rallying my defences as best as I could).

O.K. calm down. Let’s build a plan, and see if we can make it run. I like plans.

First item, and this is where you come in, is “Enlist the Supporters”. After all, aren’t we always being told that cooperation (the word is “Collaboration” out here) is the best way forward. Actually, I have always believed that when someone asks me for their cooperation then I am either being coerced into something or someone wants something for nothing. I am very rarely disappointed…and yes, in this case, I am asking you to do something for nothing.

In the words of the well known lie, “Your opinion matters”. This is a subtle way of saying, “Send me an idea; if I like it, I will use it under my own name. If I do not like it, I will ignore it and say “Thank you very much for your valuable contribution. We will take this into account in reaching our decision (which we have probably already taken)”.

First Problem – Every novel need a plot. This is less of a problem than you might imagine, as the kind lady who suggested this says that this may not be necessary in this case. If this is so, I have a very good chance of making it to first base.

I was suitably encouraged at this point, I felt as if I was in with a chance. I asked whether it needed to have properly formulated sentences. My thinking here was that I could use a random word selector, along the lines of “Monkeys typing at random and producing the works of Shakespeare.” She thought that this was an interesting and useful idea, and represented some good “Out of the Box” thinking. However, perhaps it was too advanced for the time being. The more traditional construction with subjects and objects, (using Nouns and pronouns), linked together with verbs to create sentences would more acceptable. Very orthodox.

Here is my first question to you. Do you have any ideas for a suitable plot? Only ground rules are that it must be decent and cruelty to garden gnomes is not allowed.

Second Problem – How many characters should be there be? Will there be any dialogue?

Third Problem – What tense and person should it be in? Sorry if this is a bit technical. The point is, is the person “I”, or “He”.

Then, should it be in the past or present tense? Too many decisions, and we do not even have a plot yet.

Fourth and other Problems – How many chapters should it have? How long should the paragraphs be? Should there be sub-paragraph heading? Will it have a happy ending or be a dark sinister story, leaving the reader with an empty, hollow feeling in the pit of his stomach.

Perhaps I could write one chapter per week, circulate it, and ask for suggestions for the next week’s chapter, a kind of democratic version of “The Archers” or “East Enders”.

Now I am getting somewhere. This blog is about 800 words. Let’s make this the first chapter and go for 32,000 words. Only 39 more chapters to write. Any thoughts, comments or words of wisdom to colin.hawker@bluewin.ch

The Hawker’s Trip in the U.S. - Follow up and Next Steps

The Hawker’s U.S. trip blog is over. An era in history has come to an end. I had thought of a further entry for the U.S. Trip blog, but even readers of this blog can have too much of a good thing and my alter ego, Grumpy, has been waiting for weeks to get a look in.

Nevertheless, there is some unfinished business on the U.S. Blog. Mark Hookey was kind enough not to point that that “Next Steps and Follow up” was missing. He should have said to me, “Colin, as a good Black Belt, you really must include what has to be followed up. There is no hope for a project manager, whose power point presentation does not conclude with Next Steps”. (The end of the Grand Old Duke of York’s PowerPoint presentation, said: “Next Steps, “March Down the Hill – deadline Next Tuesday”. However, Mark and I were too busy talking about the forthcoming St Andrew’s bazaar to talk about this.

On our return to Thalwil, I compiled a huge list of things to be done. Mostly housekeeping and normal administration, such as “Get the Fuse Box in the house installed properly” and “Keep fingers crossed until Fuse Box is properly installed.” But there are a number of items that arise directly from the holiday itself, and I am not just referring to paying bills and checking Credit Card Bills to see how much restaurants have added on.

For example, there are Photos to be sorted. There were 2,700 photos to be sorted and filed. Naming, uploading, and slimming down (but never deleting) before showing them to friends, family and other victims are still outstanding. There are hours of delightful sadism to look forward to. “Now here is another picture of a tree…….”

Then there is the 1,000 piece jigsaw, showing all the U.S. states bought from the very dangerous and addictive book store chain “Barnes and Nobles”. This jigsaw has now been spread out over the Grand Piano, and is in the “Sorting into colours and shapes” stage. Forget about edges. This jigsaw is in the shape of the U.S. and has no edges. I have no idea how I am going to mount this on to the wall.

There is U.S. literature to read. Yes - the U.S. has literature. As we passed through that “Centre of U.S. Culture, Minneapolis”, even Grumpy could not fail to pick up Scott Fitzgerald. I now feel obliged to read some U.S. literature. I have finished “The Love of the Last Tycoon” (Fitzgerald) and am now working my through “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn” (Mark Twain). Having mentioned this idea to Dawn (of Norwalk, Connecticut fame; remember “Sorry we burned down your town”), she gave me three more books to read, as part of the “Make Grumpy a cultured person” project.

At risk of being further bombarded by emails from Charlie Dwyer, I should point out, that the Centre of U.S. Culture is a controversial point with people from New York / New Jersey. Actually I rather appreciate emails from Charlie Dwyer, heckling or otherwise, so I will leave the point at that. I am sure that we can develop this into an entire entry on the blog. “Discuss in not more than 10,000 words, whether New York is more of a cultural centre than Minneapolis” – Whooaaa – I could be stirring up something here.

On the technical front, I bought a little gizmo to improve the wireless reception of my laptop, from a Radio Shack shop in Oregon. I never thought to ask whether it was Windows 7 compatible. Need I say more?

Only 48 items on the list to go.