Educate the Rest of the World

Nigel Rogers, my friend from Edinburgh, and I have spent many happy hours discussing the state of the world, the meaning of life, and whether Battersea Power Station should be a listed building or the first officially designated and preserved eyesore. But our favourite topic is of course, what it means to be English. He is therefore partially responsible for this week’s piece of nonsense.

However, he is not solely responsible. The second villain in this week’s ridiculous episode is Andreas Hejj, a colleague of mine from Credit Suisse, who took us on a 12 hour tour of Budapest on foot.

As we walked around Budapest with Andreas for 12 hours, there was plenty of time to ponder various subjects, although I don’t think that Battersea Power station came up. It is never possible to reconstruct the route by which the subject arose, or who initiated it. However, at some point, the conversation moved to the old and ancient forms of English measurement. It might have arisen as a result of a question, such as “How many miles do you think we have walked?” Miles? Kilometres?

From here, it was only a short step in the attempt to educate Andreas in the superior methods of Imperial Measurement. The general thesis is that metric is too banal, and that constant ratios of 10:1 make us intellectually sloppy (similar to using a calculator, instead of knowing your “Times Table”).

It is clear that the lack of intellectual challenge in the use of metric system is partly, if not completely, responsible for the recent financial crisis. I recognise that I may not have many supporters for this statement.

It is at this point that Nigel Rogers, with whom I have spent many a happy hour discussing the question of national identity and “It wasn’t like that in my day”, springs to mind. I am not sure whether the question of the importance the old English Imperial measurement system ever came up, but if it didn’t, it certainly should have done.

Let us return to the theme of the further education of Andreas Hejj. Andreas failed to appreciate the superiority of pounds, shillings and pence. It is perfectly logical to the English mind that 12 pence make one shilling and 20 shillings make one pound? (Question for those of you falling asleep: How many pennies in a pound?). A Mars bar (in my day) cost 6d, “d” being the way you denoted pence. Hence £sd. Gottit?

Coming back to how far we had walked in Budapest, there are 1,760 yards in a mile, each yard being made up of three feet, and each foot having twelve inches. This has a certain elegance to it (although I am not sure what sort of elegance). This is one measurement (the only one, I think) that is still used. However, I suppose that it is only a question of time before the English motorways show kilometres and all cars will need to have their speedometer calibrated in Kph. (It does make you think that you are driving faster).

How many Kilometres from London to Ipswich, you will soon be asking.

As to temperature, I tried to explain to Andreas, that it is obvious that freezing point should be 32 degrees (2⁵, some of you will say). Zero degrees? What a thought. As for 100 degrees being the boiling point, this is clearly inferior to 212 degrees (which as far as I know has no particular mathematical significance). The most important centigrade temperatures that you need to know are those of the water of Lake Zurich. When it is 18 degrees, it is cold to swim, and at 22 degrees, it is pleasant. So there you are.

I was surprised to remember that even the weather forecast in England (or weather lottery, as it will soon be named) shows temperature in Centigrade. Such treachery and betrayal.

Then there are weights. How many times have you been accosted in a supermarket by a helpless man, who has been sent out by his wife with a shopping list, which includes ½ pound of tomatoes and has to ask “How many grams is that?  They’ve only got grams on the label”. Shocking.

(For my non-English Blog fans, I should explain that there are 16 ounces in a pound; 14 pounds in a stone, and quite a lot of stone in a hundredweight. I weigh eleven and half stone, in case you are interested, although I have to tell my doctor that I am 75 kg)

At least you can still buy a pint of milk and a pint of beer (but only just), although usually not at the same time. However petrol is sold by the litre, so some confusion here.

So Good Blog Readers, who have reached this point. Congratulations and please remember all this, as I will test you on it, when I see you.