What Sort of Toilet Roll Hanger are You?

After last week’s serious rant about English Newspaper reporting, I thought that the readers of Grumpy’s blog, having recovered from last week’s headache, needed something a bit lighter. So here we go.

K-Tipps is a Swiss consumer magazine, something like “Which”, except that it is in German. Recently, they did a four page survey on various brands of toilet rolls. As you might expect, the criteria were determined and prioritised; data immaculately collected and the results laid out. You have all the information that you need. “You pays your money and takes your choice.”

The blog on this worthy topic took its form as Andy Bowen Ashwin and I were walking across the North Downs in October. We were discussing the meaning of life, how good the carrot cake was that we had just devoured and the optimal way to hang a toilet roll. We felt that there were important questions to be answered. I am sure that you would all agree with me when I say that the Leveson Inquiry will just have to wait.

For example, when you get your (optimally purchased) toilet roll home, what do you do with it? Are you a “Drop down the front” person or “Push it down the back” person? Does your toilet roll hang limply above the toilet floor or lie snugly against the wall?

So what sort of Toilet Roll hanger are you? Do you have a favoured way? What determines this? Are these patterns learned and set in early childhood or are they caused genetically? Do you consider the effects on the other “clients” of this facility? Should it be a topic on the national curriculum?

Of course, you might not be consistent in this. Perhaps you change the way you hang your toilet roll depending on the weather, or just on how you are feeling on that day. The day of the week might be a factor. It might be different if you were standing up, when doing a changeover, as opposed to be being in a “seated position”.

Does your partner do this the same way? Is it a point of discussion or heated debate within the household? If you were to appear (heaven help us) on one of those “U.S. Family shows” (apologies to my U.S. subscribers, but you know what I mean), in answer to the question “What habits of your partner really annoy you?” would you answer “He / she always hangs the toilet roll the wrong way”. Well after all, domestic murders have been known to happen for less.

Personally, I am a “Hang it down the Front” person. I don’t think that it will do to go into reasons.

While we are on the subject of toilet roll hanging, does anyone know why cleaning staff in hotels and restaurants in Europe (I am not sure about England) are trained to make the end of the toilet roll into a very nice “V”. Actually it is an upside down “V”, but I can’t do that on my computer. It seems such a shame to spoil it. (To those kind people who put us up on our endless English and Scottish travels – please note the standard expected)

I am on a roll now (no pun intended). Motorway stations have those big enclosed holders. I suppose it is to discourage the toilet paper thieves, who have now moved on to stealing any bits of metal that they can find nailed down. (The stuff not nailed down, has already be pinched.) Anyway, the point is that on most occasions, I can never find the end.  There is no industry standard regarding the direction from which the continuous roll should emerge (There needs to be an EU Directive). You end up rolling it round and round and eventually, if you are lucky, your fingers alight on a loose corner, which you then have to gently tease into the outside world. No wonder the thieves moved on to scrap metal.

A Final tip from Andy.  The Mercure Hotel in Beijung has raised the perforation issue for toilet paper to new heights. The game is to take a piece, pull it and see how many strips come out without tearing – The Record here is claimed to be six. The Lesson is to take your own scissors with you.

Happy Christmas from Grumpy to my supporters. I am signing off now until the New Year. However, I promise that next time, Grumpy will write about something a bit less lavatorial.

I am Returning Your Call

Do you check your missed calls, either on your mobile phone or landline? It is always interesting and perhaps important to see who was calling. What do you do if you do not recognise the number?  Are you compelled to call the number back in order to find out? Does it nag away at the back of your mind?

It might be important. Perhaps a member of the family with a new number, or even a headhunter with a job for you. Yes – you have to do the redial and find out.

What about the person on the receiving end of such a redial? Plenty of room for mischief here.

You – “Dial back the number”

They – “Hello”

You – “I am returning your call”

They – “Who’s that?”

You – “Who’s that?”

They – “I asked “Who’s that?””

You – “Did you call me earlier?”

They – “I don’t know – who are you?”

You – “You called me. You must know”

They – “I call lots of people”

You – “So did you call this number?”

They – “I don’t know. It depends who you are.”

You – “I’m the person you called earlier, but I wasn’t in”

They – “Do you have a name?”

You – “This is George Bloggs” (Grumpy - Now we are getting somewhere)

They – “I don’t know a George Bloggs”

You – “Well, you called this number”

They – “It might have been a wrong number?”

You – “Was it a wrong number?”

They – “It depends on who was using the phone”

You – “How many people use this phone?”
They – “Is that important?”  

You – “Well. Please don’t waste my time or money again”

They – “You called me. You didn’t have to.”

You – “It might have been important”

They – “Why did you think this if you didn’t recognise the number? Do you often receive important calls from people you do not know?”

You – “But what would happen if the call was important”

They – “In that case, I would have called you back.”

You – “Anyway, who are you?”

BACK TO THE BEGINNING

Etc.

…

Please feel free to add to this immature dialogue. I am sure that it can be improved.

The aim here for the “They” is to keep the call going as long as possible, while being patronising and annoying.

I do enjoy answering these calls. And “No”, I do not call back unrecognised numbers, except to landlines via Skype, which are free for us and can fill an idle moments without cost.

No Contact At All to be Made

Have you ever thought how much energy we use in having useless conversations with people we don’t know? Bus conductors, library assistants, the postman or the post office staff, waiters or waitresses, the paper boy. The list is endless*. Saying “Hello”, “Goodbye”, “How are you?”, “Nice weather we’re having”, “Have a nice day” are all so pointless.

All this tittle tattle is so inefficient and energy wasting. Let’s just get on with it (whatever it is we are doing) and save our energy for something more useful. Better still, let’s have not contact at all and be able to carry on some other task at the same time.

But it is so difficult. How many of us say to ourselves “I really am going to say nothing to this person, but use my energy to write my next blog / compose a symphony / try to remember the teams in the Premier League / prepare my next Powerpoint presentation”. And what happens?  Every time we fail. We say something. Up until now, to the best of my knowledge, no one has succeeded. The Guinness Book of Records includes no such event.

I have been on the look-out for this event for some time and until now the “Real Thing” has evaded me. But now, at last, I have seen it.

A mid 20s lady (we shall call her “Our Lady in Red”) has become living proof that it is possible to check-out one’s shopping, while avoiding all eye contact and verbal communication of any kind.

The place, as you may have already guessed, is a local Thalwil supermarket. I will now set out the commentary, as recorded live, by Grumpy, your daring blogger.

“So, we are here. The tension is mounting. Will she manage it?

The omens are good. She is already deeply engaged in an absorbing telephone conversation. There are no clues as to the nature of the phone call or the other participant, as Our Lady in Red is now “Going round the first bend”. She has managed to unload her shopping on to the conveyor belt, and has not looked up. Well done. This is a promising start.

The shopping is now moving down and is being scanned in. The check-out assistant is trying to spoil everything by saying “Gruezi” (Hi, or hello, in the local lingo), but our magnificent Lady in Red is cruising down the Back Straight, on the way to her target. She looks in the other direction and continues remorselessly with her telephone conversation.

The Shopping is nearly through. The tension is rising. Packing is tricky, with the phone tucked underneath her right ear and with her head down. Careful with the eggs.

And now she is on the home straight. Will she do it? Out with the wallet. Yes – it’s a bank debit card. How is she going to put in her PIN code, without looking up at the assistant? Will she do it?

YES – she has done it. Mobile phone conversation is going strong. Whatever you do, don’t say “Goodbye” or “Thank you” or “Have a nice day”, as you walk away. Debit card away. Shopping bag picked up and YES, she has done it. She is this Year’s winner of Grumpy’s “Let’s not have any Contact with strange people” award.”

Do readers know of any other competitions going on in the “Rude” category?

* “The List is Endless” - Actually the list is not endless. It is definitely finite. The literary device of saying “The List is Endless” is a method that writers use to brush away the fact that they cannot think of any more, but there must be some, and you, the reader, must fill in the gaps.

These footnotes are a further device used by Grumpy to get to his target number of words, while appearing to have something useful to say.

Weather Forecasters Strike Again

Weather forecasters really have gone too far this time. I think that they do it deliberately. They wait until Ali (our oldest daughter) comes over to see us, fresh from her triumphant ten month tour of Nepal and India and then, unleash a torrent of meteorological nonsense.

I know – it’s my own fault. I have done this before, but the forecast was so consistently clear and we really wanted to do it.  “Let’s do that two day hike over the Glaspass and the Tomülpass, especially now that Ali’s here.”  

“30% chance of light rain” from the various weather forecasts was all the excuse that we needed to book the hotel at Safien Platz, and book the bus, train and another bus to our starting point on day 1.  Booking buses and trains online in Switzerland, means non-refundable – yes – you don’t get your money back, even if there is an earthquake.

Saturday morning started its “30% chance of light rain” at 7 o’clock with a 100% thunderstorm, directly overhead and 7 degrees on the balcony. This state of affairs continued for 5 hours and when our apartment eventually emerged from the clouds, the mountains revealed snow down to 1,400 metres. For those of you that don’t do metres and snowlines, take it from me, this is pretty low.

Needless to say, the non-refundable tickets were not used.

We are not easily disheartened. New plans were forged. A long awaited blog was written and published, in between claps of thunder. Learned articles from some of my friends from New College were read and various other overdue and useful tasks performed, as the August Mountains received the snow. (Where was the fresh snow in February and March, when we needed it?)

At 3.00 pm, we set out (now in the sunshine) to Safien Platz (our intended overnight stop) via two buses (what else).

Now Grumpy’s blogs are not famous for their happy endings. Actually, they are not famous at all. So I am sorry to disappoint you, when I say that our evening in Safien Platz and next day’s hike over the Tömül Pass had an ending that Danielle Steel would be proud of.

You too can enjoy some of the sights on this web link to a show of some of the photographs, as our intrepid explorer boldly went where tens of thousands have been before.

https://picasaweb.google.com/103404285149801869665/TomulPass28August2011

When you get to the site, click on the top left hand corner for a slide show – where it says “Slide Show” in fact.

There was some internal discussion on the favourite photograph. Most votes go to the two mad cyclists at the top, and the cow coming out of the bushes.

Of course, some statistics are necessary.

Height of the Tömül Pass – 2,400 metres

Vertical Climb to the Tömül Pass from our Starting Points – 750 metres
Time taken – 6 hours
Time predicted by yours truly – 6 hours

Time predicted per the signs – 5 hours

Number of coffee pauses – None (can you believe it!!)

Number of cyclists met on the way – 4

Number of stiff legs the next day - 6

Educate the Rest of the World

Nigel Rogers, my friend from Edinburgh, and I have spent many happy hours discussing the state of the world, the meaning of life, and whether Battersea Power Station should be a listed building or the first officially designated and preserved eyesore. But our favourite topic is of course, what it means to be English. He is therefore partially responsible for this week’s piece of nonsense.

However, he is not solely responsible. The second villain in this week’s ridiculous episode is Andreas Hejj, a colleague of mine from Credit Suisse, who took us on a 12 hour tour of Budapest on foot.

As we walked around Budapest with Andreas for 12 hours, there was plenty of time to ponder various subjects, although I don’t think that Battersea Power station came up. It is never possible to reconstruct the route by which the subject arose, or who initiated it. However, at some point, the conversation moved to the old and ancient forms of English measurement. It might have arisen as a result of a question, such as “How many miles do you think we have walked?” Miles? Kilometres?

From here, it was only a short step in the attempt to educate Andreas in the superior methods of Imperial Measurement. The general thesis is that metric is too banal, and that constant ratios of 10:1 make us intellectually sloppy (similar to using a calculator, instead of knowing your “Times Table”).

It is clear that the lack of intellectual challenge in the use of metric system is partly, if not completely, responsible for the recent financial crisis. I recognise that I may not have many supporters for this statement.

It is at this point that Nigel Rogers, with whom I have spent many a happy hour discussing the question of national identity and “It wasn’t like that in my day”, springs to mind. I am not sure whether the question of the importance the old English Imperial measurement system ever came up, but if it didn’t, it certainly should have done.

Let us return to the theme of the further education of Andreas Hejj. Andreas failed to appreciate the superiority of pounds, shillings and pence. It is perfectly logical to the English mind that 12 pence make one shilling and 20 shillings make one pound? (Question for those of you falling asleep: How many pennies in a pound?). A Mars bar (in my day) cost 6d, “d” being the way you denoted pence. Hence £sd. Gottit?

Coming back to how far we had walked in Budapest, there are 1,760 yards in a mile, each yard being made up of three feet, and each foot having twelve inches. This has a certain elegance to it (although I am not sure what sort of elegance). This is one measurement (the only one, I think) that is still used. However, I suppose that it is only a question of time before the English motorways show kilometres and all cars will need to have their speedometer calibrated in Kph. (It does make you think that you are driving faster).

How many Kilometres from London to Ipswich, you will soon be asking.

As to temperature, I tried to explain to Andreas, that it is obvious that freezing point should be 32 degrees (2⁵, some of you will say). Zero degrees? What a thought. As for 100 degrees being the boiling point, this is clearly inferior to 212 degrees (which as far as I know has no particular mathematical significance). The most important centigrade temperatures that you need to know are those of the water of Lake Zurich. When it is 18 degrees, it is cold to swim, and at 22 degrees, it is pleasant. So there you are.

I was surprised to remember that even the weather forecast in England (or weather lottery, as it will soon be named) shows temperature in Centigrade. Such treachery and betrayal.

Then there are weights. How many times have you been accosted in a supermarket by a helpless man, who has been sent out by his wife with a shopping list, which includes ½ pound of tomatoes and has to ask “How many grams is that?  They’ve only got grams on the label”. Shocking.

(For my non-English Blog fans, I should explain that there are 16 ounces in a pound; 14 pounds in a stone, and quite a lot of stone in a hundredweight. I weigh eleven and half stone, in case you are interested, although I have to tell my doctor that I am 75 kg)

At least you can still buy a pint of milk and a pint of beer (but only just), although usually not at the same time. However petrol is sold by the litre, so some confusion here.

So Good Blog Readers, who have reached this point. Congratulations and please remember all this, as I will test you on it, when I see you.

Like a Damn Winter

My search for the essential Hawker continues. Although I wanted to be thought of as a spider, it is possible that we are butterflies. However, the Guardian reported that we are dragonflies and in danger of extinction. http://colinhawker.blogspot.com/2010/03/hawker-in-danger-of-extinction.html

I have been assisted in my search for personal identity by Max Küng, writer of a column in “Das Magazin”, in the Saturday Edition of the Tages Anzeiger. He comments that “The winter, this year, has been like a damn hawker, whom one sends to the devil, but simply won’t go away”. http://dasmagazin.ch/index.php/max-kung-53/ (The Google translator comes up with „damn peddler“. See the start of the 5th Paragraph).

My initial reaction was one of outrage. My emotions were similar to those I experienced, as a young man, on seeing myself unwanted in so many places. “No Hawker or Circulars” was a common warning to my kith and kin to stay away.

For Max Küng’s comments, I would write to my Swiss MP, a draft letter of protest to the Tages Anzeiger, instruct lawyers, organise a demonstration outside the offices of this newspaper and start a movement to promote “Hawkers are like the Spring”.

However, on more mature reflection (and dragonflies are not known for mature reflection), it is possible that Max Küng has shed a new light on the characteristics on Hawkers. It reminded me of an answer that I gave once at an interview, when asked what thought my defining characteristic is. “Stubbornness” was the immediate response. Certainly persistent. Probably also very irritating and annoying.

I should have added “Like a damn winter. You try to send it to the devil, but it simply won’t go away”.

I feel a new motto coming one.

Flat Eric Awards

My good friend Nigel Rogers an his wife, Christina, have been staying with us. We were discussing the dismal state of the world and agreed that it wasn’t like this in our day. For some reason, we had read an article in the Spectator, which wrote about the proliferation of award ceremonies, the particular one in question at that time being the BAFTAs.

So because we were in disagreeing mood, we disagreed and decided that the Spectator must be wrong and there were not enough awards.

This deficiency needs to be addressed. We have decided to establish our own awards. Too many people have been excluded from having an award, the categories discriminating against people who don’t qualify. As discrimination is a bad thing, someone should do something.

Everyone must win something. For example, Nigel has been nominated for the Cooking Ratatouille on Monday award. Christina will be nominated for the “Skiing with her Skis very close together 15 yards ahead of Colin” award. Colin will be nominated for the “Complaining very loudly about the music before it has been switched on” award. And so on. You get the idea.

We will need our own Awards ceremony and everyone must cry and be very emotional. Flat Eric, our sponsor, will take charge of the proceedings.

Flat Eric will be lobbying the Government to set up an “Awards Equality Commission” Do you think that he can get a grant for this?

It All Depends on Your Point of View

The Zurich weather has, at last, allowed us to start the cycling part of our training for the upcoming (mini) Triathlon. I say “us”. There are now three grand old men, attempting to show that the body is not aging as fast as it looks. Younger runners are just getting faster.

In this cycling training, the motorist is now the enemy. Passing too close, despite the “Dotted Line” or coming out of a side road and pushing out too far. Traffic lights are a regular scrummage, although I think that this can be avoided by adopting the Swiss cyclists’ view that stopping at traffic lights is voluntary. In fact, Motorists should be banned, at least when I am cycling.

Back in the car later in the day, roles are reversed. Cyclists hog the white line. They ride side by side (requiring a quiet, but satisfying hoot) and randomly turn left without any indication. In fact, they should be banned, at least when I am driving.

On the ski slopes, the same principles apply. When I first took up skiing, I had a minor fall with a snowboarder. In the (Zurich) office, the next day, describing this and accepting 75% of the blame, I was told that it was the snowboarder’s fault. I wanted to explain how it happened. However I was told, that this is not the point. It was the snowboarder’s fault, as a “matter of law”. Well that’s a relief and introduces a certain simplicity into the debate.

I am not a snowboarder, but I have no doubt that the same, but opposite laws apply.

Into this emotional equation comes the walker. This breed is very cautious and generally stays well clear of skiers and snowboarders. However, when walker meets a skier on a walking path, then the result is highly uncertain. Most recent experiences suggest that walkers can come off best if they hold their ground. Fun can be had by all, by the mutual exchange of insults and recrimination (in English, of course). The walker has the advantage here, as the skiers are by now downhill, and snowboots make a chase impossible.

Additional layers of complication are added by the presence of tobogganists, who take precedence over everything.

It All Depends on Your Point of View

The Zurich weather has, at last, allowed us to start the cycling part of our training for the upcoming (mini) Triathlon. I say “us”. There are now three grand old men, attempting to show that the body is not aging as fast as it looks. Younger runners are just getting faster.

In this cycling training, the motorist is now the enemy. Passing too close, despite the “Dotted Line” or coming out of a side road and pushing out too far. Traffic lights are a regular scrummage, although I think that this can be avoided by adopting the Swiss cyclists’ view that stopping at traffic lights is voluntary. In fact, Motorists should be banned, at least when I am cycling.

Back in the car later in the day, roles are reversed. Cyclists hog the white line. They ride side by side (requiring a quiet, but satisfying hoot) and randomly turn left without any indication. In fact, they should be banned, at least when I am driving.

On the ski slopes, the same principles apply. When I first took up skiing, I had a minor fall with a snowboarder. In the (Zurich) office, the next day, describing this and accepting 75% of the blame, I was told that it was the snowboarder’s fault. I wanted to explain how it happened. However I was told, that this is not the point. It was the snowboarder’s fault, as a “matter of law”. Well that’s a relief and introduces a certain simplicity into the debate.

I am not a snowboarder, but I have no doubt that the opposite laws apply.

Into this emotional equation comes the walker. This breed is very cautious and generally stays well clear of skiers and snowboarders. However, when walker meets a skier on a walking path, then the result is highly uncertain. Most recent experiences suggest that walkers can come off best if they hold there ground. Fun can be had by all, by the mutual exchange of insults and recrimination (in English, of course). The walker has the advantage here, as the skiers are by now downhill, and snowboots make a chase impossible.

Additional layers of complication are added by the presence of tobogganists, who take precedence over everything.

What they teach in Ski School

Tobogganists may go on any run and paths, including those used by skiers and walkers. In addition, there are tracks made specifically for them, but these are optional.

Snowboarders must learn to stop and sit down at any point, preferably sitting side by side at the top of slopes and especially where the ski runs narrow.

Under 10s – Queuing at ski lifts is optional. Parents are allowed to follow.

Beginners and Intermediate skiers must learn to ski as close to others. Do not make use of the width of the ski run. Make friends and be close to people, by overtaking and then falling over directly in front of others.

Expert and Intermediate Skiers may take part in a competition to cross directly in front of a beginner and to get as near to the front of their skis as possible. No points are awarded for crossing over the back of the beginner’s skis.

Expert Skiers must make long turns at high speed, to ensure that a deep rut is left. When this freezes over, an inexperienced skier will fall over, creating laughter for all.

General Information. It is important to be able to recover quickly having caused an accident, in order to ski off. Leaving personal details only creates work between insurance companies, and may delay the first beer of the evening.

I am glad that I have got this lot off my chest. Now I can find something else to complain about.