What Sort of Toilet Roll Hanger are You?

After last week’s serious rant about English Newspaper reporting, I thought that the readers of Grumpy’s blog, having recovered from last week’s headache, needed something a bit lighter. So here we go.

K-Tipps is a Swiss consumer magazine, something like “Which”, except that it is in German. Recently, they did a four page survey on various brands of toilet rolls. As you might expect, the criteria were determined and prioritised; data immaculately collected and the results laid out. You have all the information that you need. “You pays your money and takes your choice.”

The blog on this worthy topic took its form as Andy Bowen Ashwin and I were walking across the North Downs in October. We were discussing the meaning of life, how good the carrot cake was that we had just devoured and the optimal way to hang a toilet roll. We felt that there were important questions to be answered. I am sure that you would all agree with me when I say that the Leveson Inquiry will just have to wait.

For example, when you get your (optimally purchased) toilet roll home, what do you do with it? Are you a “Drop down the front” person or “Push it down the back” person? Does your toilet roll hang limply above the toilet floor or lie snugly against the wall?

So what sort of Toilet Roll hanger are you? Do you have a favoured way? What determines this? Are these patterns learned and set in early childhood or are they caused genetically? Do you consider the effects on the other “clients” of this facility? Should it be a topic on the national curriculum?

Of course, you might not be consistent in this. Perhaps you change the way you hang your toilet roll depending on the weather, or just on how you are feeling on that day. The day of the week might be a factor. It might be different if you were standing up, when doing a changeover, as opposed to be being in a “seated position”.

Does your partner do this the same way? Is it a point of discussion or heated debate within the household? If you were to appear (heaven help us) on one of those “U.S. Family shows” (apologies to my U.S. subscribers, but you know what I mean), in answer to the question “What habits of your partner really annoy you?” would you answer “He / she always hangs the toilet roll the wrong way”. Well after all, domestic murders have been known to happen for less.

Personally, I am a “Hang it down the Front” person. I don’t think that it will do to go into reasons.

While we are on the subject of toilet roll hanging, does anyone know why cleaning staff in hotels and restaurants in Europe (I am not sure about England) are trained to make the end of the toilet roll into a very nice “V”. Actually it is an upside down “V”, but I can’t do that on my computer. It seems such a shame to spoil it. (To those kind people who put us up on our endless English and Scottish travels – please note the standard expected)

I am on a roll now (no pun intended). Motorway stations have those big enclosed holders. I suppose it is to discourage the toilet paper thieves, who have now moved on to stealing any bits of metal that they can find nailed down. (The stuff not nailed down, has already be pinched.) Anyway, the point is that on most occasions, I can never find the end.  There is no industry standard regarding the direction from which the continuous roll should emerge (There needs to be an EU Directive). You end up rolling it round and round and eventually, if you are lucky, your fingers alight on a loose corner, which you then have to gently tease into the outside world. No wonder the thieves moved on to scrap metal.

A Final tip from Andy.  The Mercure Hotel in Beijung has raised the perforation issue for toilet paper to new heights. The game is to take a piece, pull it and see how many strips come out without tearing – The Record here is claimed to be six. The Lesson is to take your own scissors with you.

Happy Christmas from Grumpy to my supporters. I am signing off now until the New Year. However, I promise that next time, Grumpy will write about something a bit less lavatorial.