It‘s War

Since moving into our house in Norwich on Good Friday, my favourite activity has been moaning about the weather. This is an English national sport, but I am trying to take this to new heights and generally driving everyone mad in the process.

In summary, according to my imperfect recollection, since moving in, there have been only 7 days with any sunshine worth talking about. Seven days in over two months. What is a sun-lover to do? And the rain has been something to admire. A rainfall record-breaking April, with three times the April average, flooding in June (and to make matters worse, the spin programme on the washing machine was temporarily broken).

But at least one group of wildlife is enjoying this and I am not referring to the ducks. We should have a guessing game at this point. You are supposed to have three guesses as to what animal I am thinking of. However everyone in Rose Valley, Norwich will know what I am referring to. It is the Snails, who are set for world domination or at the very least, Rose Valley domination.

These creatures are breeding like rabbits. Actually even rabbits don’t breed like these snails. When was the last time that you picked 70 snails off two clematis plants in a single afternoon? My trusty bucket now stands next to the clematis, ready to receive ever more of these plant devouring monsters.

General guidance and snail lovers (which seems to include the internet), will tell you not to kill these creatures. It is alleged that they form an important part of the ecology system. Apparently, they are food for the birds, which are next up the chain. Well, whoever wrote that hasn’t seen the birds in Rose Valley. Lazy, overfed and generally idle, they really cannot be bothered. What sort of attitude is this? The country is going to the dogs.

This merry band of villainous snails even tries to get into the house through the front door. Some mornings, two or three of them are climbing up the front step and if they get really carried away, are half way up the front door.

The history books will record that “The Battle of the Two Clematis Plants” (2012) was more or less won by the middle of May. But this was not the end. After the very unusual occurrence of three consecutive days’ sunshine (unusual at least for this summer), the rain returned. This was a signal for the snails in the flower-beds to come out and practice the opening ceremony for the Olympics.

I was prepared to leave them and see whether they were still around in the morning. However, they overstepped the mark. Two snails were in Hazel’s flowers in the tubs. It was War!! There was nothing for it but to bring out the bucket and work my way around the lawn, dealing with another 80 snails and 30 slugs. Where do they all come from? What were they doing? Was this some form of vast conspiracy or suicide pact?

 (Thoughts of capturing them intact and using them for cooking, adding garlic and serving up some delightful dish, have been discounted).

So it is up to me to be constantly vigilant, not to say neurotic or even paranoid. Every time I pass through the back gate, I am on “Snail Alert”. Snails beware. Grumpy’s about. The Clematis plants require special inspection. A close inspection inside all the vines is necessary each time to see what alien has alighted on a leaf. (This is very annoying for people who are waiting for me, especially when I haven’t unlocked the car and it is raining. This is almost as annoying as me moaning about the weather.)

By the way, did I mention how bad the weather has been since we moved in?