It is time for some
random grumps, some moans and groans that don’t use up a column of 800 words on
their own, but are worth a mention in Grumpy’s list of annoying stuff. As the
Donkey in Shrek 2 (voice of Eddie Murphy) said to Puss in Boots, “I’m sorry,
the position of annoying talking animal has already been taken” or something
like that.
We should start with
annoying and unfunny puns, which fill newspapers and football commentaries. These
are now obligatory. Presumably Sky Sports and the newspapers have departments whose
sole job is to think these up and the more obvious the better. I’m looking for
examples, as I think that this could be worth a blog on its own.
--------------------------------------------------Moving away from News for a change, Apple has set up an “Annoying Apps” department. The latest is the very poor imitation of a three octave piano, on which you can play chopsticks with one finger. They have even spent money on TV advertising for this, without pointing out that if Chopsticks is played several times on this App, on a train, it can successfully drive over half the other travellers mad. I think that this is a seriously overlooked selling point.
(Is “Chopsticks” a
singular or plural noun?”).
--------------------------------------------------Rushing back to the News and the BBC News in particular, did you know that the newscasters have a competition which is based on three criteria. Firstly, how many times can the newscasters say “Er”. This used to be the domain of Tony Blackburn, if you can remember that far back. Now it is the preserve of mainly female newsreaders, who presumably cannot read the autocue fast enough or simply don’t have anything else to say. And if you think that this is a sexist comment, you should try listening to Jane Hill reading “Breaking News”.
The second criteria is
the ratio of the time in an interview that the newsreader takes to ask the
question in relation to the answer itself. The target is 100%. I mean, who
really wants to hear what non-journalists have to say. The purpose of the news
is to promote the Newsreaders and journalism. It’s a pretty competitive
business, so the more you are heard the better. At least that’s the logic. I am
waiting for the 2 minute question, followed by “I’m sorry that’s all we have
time for.” They have already nearly reached that point on several occasions.
Additional points are
awarded in this category for the amount of contempt for the interviewee that
the presenter can put into his / her voice.
Third criteria also in
relation to interviewing, is the hand-waving category. I am not sure why this
is important, although it might be a variation of a language for deaf viewers.
To fully appreciate this, you have to turn the volume off and watch the newsreader
ask his (or her) two minute question, accompanied by hand gestures which would
do justice to a premier league footballer in the penalty area, pleading to the
referee for a penalty. Actually the hand waving is more interesting than some
of the questions.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------On a completely different topic from the news (but don’t worry, I’ll be back), I was interested in the connection made in a television advert between the adjective “Intuitive” and “Coffee Machine”. Now I always thought that (i) put coffee in cup / cafetiere (ii) put in hot water, was about as intuitive as it gets. No instruction manual here. No Chf 200 half day training course is involved in making a cup of Nescafe, although I recollect that making Red Mountain coffee involved making a sound like a coffee percolator.
Previously you might
have done a Google search on “Intuitive Coffee …..” However, I know that you
won’t be using Google anymore as you will be boycotting them, along with
Starbucks and Amazon, as being immoral wicked tax avoiders. So if you do a
Yahoo search on “Intuitive Coffee …..” you will get a number of hits. My
assumption is that if anyone needs to market a coffee making machine on the
basis that it is intuitive, then there is a problem with complexity here, and
you better be ready with those £150 cheques and book yourself on a course,
because it’s going to be complicated.
----------------------------------------------Lastly for this session (hurrah, you say), have you noticed that hotels still place telephones right by the bed? If you stay in hotels, when was the last time that you used the hotel telephone? (I can’t believe that you ordered room service.) First action on arrival is to place the latest Jack Reacher thriller by the bed and to move the telephone, which then gets moved back the next day.
This is a pretty
pointless Grump, just put in to fill out the blog. I’ll try to do better next
time, at the expense of a hotel.
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