No Contact At All to be Made

Have you ever thought how much energy we use in having useless conversations with people we don’t know? Bus conductors, library assistants, the postman or the post office staff, waiters or waitresses, the paper boy. The list is endless*. Saying “Hello”, “Goodbye”, “How are you?”, “Nice weather we’re having”, “Have a nice day” are all so pointless.

All this tittle tattle is so inefficient and energy wasting. Let’s just get on with it (whatever it is we are doing) and save our energy for something more useful. Better still, let’s have not contact at all and be able to carry on some other task at the same time.

But it is so difficult. How many of us say to ourselves “I really am going to say nothing to this person, but use my energy to write my next blog / compose a symphony / try to remember the teams in the Premier League / prepare my next Powerpoint presentation”. And what happens?  Every time we fail. We say something. Up until now, to the best of my knowledge, no one has succeeded. The Guinness Book of Records includes no such event.

I have been on the look-out for this event for some time and until now the “Real Thing” has evaded me. But now, at last, I have seen it.

A mid 20s lady (we shall call her “Our Lady in Red”) has become living proof that it is possible to check-out one’s shopping, while avoiding all eye contact and verbal communication of any kind.

The place, as you may have already guessed, is a local Thalwil supermarket. I will now set out the commentary, as recorded live, by Grumpy, your daring blogger.

“So, we are here. The tension is mounting. Will she manage it?

The omens are good. She is already deeply engaged in an absorbing telephone conversation. There are no clues as to the nature of the phone call or the other participant, as Our Lady in Red is now “Going round the first bend”. She has managed to unload her shopping on to the conveyor belt, and has not looked up. Well done. This is a promising start.

The shopping is now moving down and is being scanned in. The check-out assistant is trying to spoil everything by saying “Gruezi” (Hi, or hello, in the local lingo), but our magnificent Lady in Red is cruising down the Back Straight, on the way to her target. She looks in the other direction and continues remorselessly with her telephone conversation.

The Shopping is nearly through. The tension is rising. Packing is tricky, with the phone tucked underneath her right ear and with her head down. Careful with the eggs.

And now she is on the home straight. Will she do it? Out with the wallet. Yes – it’s a bank debit card. How is she going to put in her PIN code, without looking up at the assistant? Will she do it?

YES – she has done it. Mobile phone conversation is going strong. Whatever you do, don’t say “Goodbye” or “Thank you” or “Have a nice day”, as you walk away. Debit card away. Shopping bag picked up and YES, she has done it. She is this Year’s winner of Grumpy’s “Let’s not have any Contact with strange people” award.”

Do readers know of any other competitions going on in the “Rude” category?

* “The List is Endless” - Actually the list is not endless. It is definitely finite. The literary device of saying “The List is Endless” is a method that writers use to brush away the fact that they cannot think of any more, but there must be some, and you, the reader, must fill in the gaps.

These footnotes are a further device used by Grumpy to get to his target number of words, while appearing to have something useful to say.