Has Winter finally left us?

These were the scenes that greeted us on Saturday. After three weeks of temperatures barely above 10 degrees and more or less constant rain, the sun made some modest attempts to show its face.

The snow is still there at the top. A reminder that until a few days ago, it was still snowing there. The effect and the contrast is striking.

Scientific Observations of the Grumpy Kind

As a matter of daily observation, we have all seen or experienced things, which cannot be explained? I know you have. These occurrences will be familiar to you as part of daily life. You take them for granted.

One day last month, having finished listening to the German news on my Ipod (Yes – I am still under illusion that I might conquer this language), I folded up my earphones and the leads, and tied them carefully. On retrieving them, they were a mess of tangled wires. Not possible under the laws of physics as we know them.

The tying of shoe laces is a relatively complicated affair. Those of us, brought up in the pre-Velcro era, have had this skill drilled in, as a necessary life skill. Yet this drilled routine provides a similar example of day to day extra-terrestrial physics. Parents, nannies or teachers are unable to explain why laces, when being undone, become knotted up, not just once, but often twice. Proper response (observed mainly by men) is to pull harder. The whole knot becomes tighter. Proper male response is to throw the shoe across the room, although the evidence that this resolves the problem is lacking.

Other day to day examples of space being twisted by Alien forces can be found inside Rucksacks. The internal characteristics of Rucksacks are a mystery to Physicists. The general rule is that, whatever you need out of the Rucksack, can only be found at the bottom, even though the item you need was the last one in. The Rucksack has to be emptied piece by piece, until the offending time creeps out, like a guilty schoolboy.

How often do we hear the cry “I know I put it here somewhere”? We hunt for a human culprit, not realising “it” has moved itself.

What happens to the odd missing socks after they have been washed (with apologies to Jasper Carrot)? Why are the car keys not on the window ledge where they were left? Who moved my glasses from the kitchen table?

How come the milk suddenly appears when Hazel goes to the fridge, when seconds earlier, it was not there? Is this evidence of parallel universes?

These objects rearrange themselves. But do they have intelligence or are they being controlled by dark matter. They seek their revenge against their oppressors, whom they drive quietly mad. They are coming to take over the world.

Exit left screaming. Ha Ha

Stamps from Spain

We have been away from Laax for over four weeks. We do not normally receive much mail there, but this time, we had five letters waiting for us. Great excitement as we opened them to find that we are four times winners of the Spanish and European lotteries. Unbelievable, it says. It’s not kidding either. It’s not believable. We have won euro 815,810, euro 3,935,510, euro 615,810 (hardly worth bothering about), and euro 950,777. All I need to do is to send in my bank details, sign and date it and the money will be paid in. Fantastic, isn’t it. And I never even bought a lottery ticket.

I am someone who believes that if it is too good to be true, it probably is (even if I do miss the odd Swiss Franc 10 note lying in the street). I will be giving this a miss. At least they are presented a great deal better that the ones that I first received in 1995. Do you remember these? They were allegedly from the Central Bank of Nigeria, on a 90 year old typewriter, and spelling that would disgrace Baby Giles (for those of you well educated enough to know the Giles Cartoons).

The fifth letter is from the attorney of Edwin Hawker, who may or may not be related to me. He has left $10m and as there is no one to claim it and as I have the same name, I am next in line. Only catch is that the attorney, (name and email address available on demand, in case you want to claim the money), wants to share it 50 / 50. We can’t be having that, can we. It’s all or nothing. In this case nothing. Anyway, I guess that 50% of nothing is still nothing.

Never mind, the stamps from Spain are nice.

Tomatoes have Feelings

It is still cold out there. Frost is forecast in England. Temperatures here in Zurich are struggling to get over 10 degrees, with cold, miserable nights and it is still snowing in the mountains. Who knows when we are going to be able to walk over those lovely mountain passes? But, first and foremost in our minds at this time are the tomatoes. Tomatoes have feelings too, you know. They have to come in at night. By morning, of course, they are bursting for a “you know what”, so out they go again…..and stay there until the evening.

But these tomatoes are really spoilt. I know that little dogs (and some big ones) have their knitted coats, but who heard of tomatoes going on holiday before. Yes – the Hawker tomatoes are going to Laax for the holiday break. I mean, what a life. In Thalwil, on their own, they have no one to talk to and to keep them warm. Whatever next? They even wanted their photo taken (see below for happy family snap).



Now all the plants are at it. The geraniums want to be taken cycling, and the orchids want to visit the Zurich Art Museum. (Orchids are such snobs.) The spider plant in the bathroom wants to go and see all four Bruce Willis “Die Hard” movies in a single session. Now that is what I call taste.

Perhaps there is a market opening here. In 2011, I could start a plant sitting service. A two tier service. “Leave your plants with me” as the Standard service and for a Premium Service, I will travel within a radius of 8 km. Added extras, with price list and MWST (VAT to you Brits) will include “Walking your plant”, “Singing to your Plant” , “Telling your Plant a bed time story” and “Taking your plant to the cinema”. Aggressive or fighting plants will need to be muzzled. For Russian vines, we will need proof that they have been properly trained not to destroy the roof and poisoned ivy will be segregated or must have been de-poisoned within the previous 2 months (and a certificate to prove this). All plants must have micro chips so they do not get lost.

Do bee keepers take their hives on holiday with them? All that buzzing around in the car on the way to the South of France would be enough to drive anyone mad. “Are we there yet? bzzzzz” “WILL YOU STOP THAT BUZZING”. I could “Bee Sit” and they could pollinate the plants that I am looking after.

These Blogs are getting more and more ridiculous.

My Popularity Ratings

As a Lean Six Sigma project manager, obsessed by reliable data, and strong connections between data and conclusions (Phew – that’s quite a mouthful), I have set out to find a source of data with strong correlation with my popularity. (Double Phew - don't stop now)

Where should I look? I could sponsor a survey to ask my friends, “If you were asked about Colin, would you say he was:

A - “Not at all Grumpy”
B - “A bit Grumpy”
C - “Generally Grumpy”
D - “Very Grumpy”
E - “He’s not a bad chap, despite what they say about him”. Thank you, Nigel Rogers

However, I did not go for this. I might find out something that would be better hidden. (Colin is unanimously a very ungrumpy person; not grumpy at all, despite all his efforts to the contrary).

In the event, I decided to find clues about myself in Spam. I have been saving Spam, from my email inbox, since the 22 March and have today reached 1,000. It has taken 20 days to reach this magical number. As Mark Hookey, Global Lean Six Sigma programme manager extraordinaire, taught me, the Baseline Indicator is 50 pieces of Spam per day.

Not exactly overpopular then. Only 50 messages per day. But can this be broken down further? We need further analysis. We need to stratify the data. Strong stuff.

353 items are encouraging me to take part in online gambling
290 messages are trying to sell me cheap pharmaceutical products
241 notes have been telling me how to do improbable things to various unprintable parts of my anatomy

Surprisingly, 107 of these unwanted pieces, designed to waste internet bandwidth were trying to sell me software.

I have no idea what 83 of them are, as they beckon me with a cheerful “Hi, Bud”, a reference to a central European beer, perhaps.

37 are telling me that I can get 80% off Viagra (some are 81%. Why 81%?)

Now you can do some arithmetic, and tell me how are left over. But what tentative conclusions (or hypotheses, as we technical people say) would you draw from this rag bag of statistics. (Are these numbers statistically valid, I hear you say. Those of you, who have been watching the U.K. general elections, will be asking “What is the margin of error?”

Conclusion 1 – he has too much time on his hands to produce this load of old cobblers
Conclusion 2 – he cannot add up.
Conclusion 3 – he is probably lying. He knows jolly well that Bud is a beer.
Conclusion 4 – It really is not true what they say about him.

Now I am back to place an online bet on how long the Conservative / Lib Dem coalition will last.

Swimming as a Physical Contact Sport

I bet you did not know that swimming is a physical contact sport. Actually walking across Zurich main station can be like fighting your way through the back row of the South African rugby team. Large handbags are the favourite weapons, and can deal a nasty blow if you don’t get out of the way. Turning suddenly with a rucksack is my favourite. So no quarter asked or given, especially when it comes to disembarking from the 07.50 at Zurich. Platform 51 is particularly to be avoided except by tag wrestlers in training.

Anyway back to swimming. The Red Candles triumphed at the Wallisellen mini-triathlon, taking three of the “Oldest Ten Participants” prize and successfully holding on to the last three places in the tournament.

We were gratefully welcomed by the organisers who cheered us, and then cleared up the tables and markers behind us. But we were well experienced in running with no one in sight, either in front of us or behind of us.

http://services.datasport.com/2010/triathlon/wallisellen/RANG014.HTM

In Front of the Red Candles were the serious athletes. 13,000 Swiss Francs (£7,500) for a bike that weighs less than a second class postage stamp, is a small price to pay for a top place in this internationally acclaimed sports event. A Hawker, Reincke or a Gollan in front of you in the swimming pool is like a mere spot on a smooth kitchen work surface, to be pushed aside in the quest of a sub-45 minute time.

But you learn quickly. Don’t be shocked (as someone actually tries to swim though your private parts), but be sure to stick out elbows, legs, and any other sharp bits that you have at your disposal. Curiously, if you just keep going, push, shove, knee and elbow, then no one gets hurt.

(Do I hear my Dad asking if this is before or after we get into the pool?). But all good fun for all.

Thank goodness I will be in England for the Zurich Triathlon.

Coming Up Next

My fans are in despair. No blog entries since 5 April. It must be something to do with the end of the U.K. tax year, or as has been suggested, a lack of pep pills or the smoking of illegal substances (In the interests of political correctness, I formally and officially deny the smoking or imbibing of, or the involvement with Blog-writing enhancement substances). The creative juices have been challenged and the outpourings and ramblings of Grumpy, your friendly and absurd blog writer have been curtailed. But only temporarily. Attempts to revive the parts that other blog revivers cannot reach are on their way.

Encouraged by friends(see photo)and family, the notes and observations of Grumpy have been dusted down. Indignation has been sharpened. Observation has been put on red alert. With pencil and notebook poised, I am ready to note down the idiosyncrasies and absurdity of daily life, together with a random walk of the events of the Swiss Family Hawker.



So Coming Up Next………….

Have you noticed that whenever anyone says “Coming Up Next, ….”, the subject matter is "After something else". Television is the main user of this expression. “Coming up next, the goals from yesterday’s game”, signals an opportunity to pay a visit to the toilet, make a cup of tea, check the post, check your emails or make a short phone call. It is not a signal to sit tight and see the goals from yesterday’s game. It is an opportuntiy to watch a series of adverts that you have already seen, although at its best, it can provide harmless amusement, as the viewers try to guess what product is being advertised.

Yes – the expression “Coming Up Next” has moved its meaning to “Coming Up After Something Else”. What an interesting concept. “Your first in line for this job”, means that “You are second in line for the job”, which is the world of corporate lies has probably become the case. “Your complaint is Coming Up Next, to be answered”. “Your train is Coming Up Next”, means that we do not know what has happened to your train.

So, on my Blog, Coming Up Next is ………………………….