Self Defence in the Kitchen

There are sadists at work, whose sole aim in life is to cause pain. They spend their time, scheming ever more ways to entrap innocent people, going about their daily business.

The luggage racks in the double-decker Swiss Trains are perfectly positioned to be unobserved by the otherwise occupied passenger, and to catch them unawares as they stand up suddenly. The sudden shock to the passenger is embarrassment, as much as pain. How anyone can continue to hit their head after 8 years of doing so, is anyone’s guess. Perhaps it is only Grumpy’s particular inability to learn from experience that causes this. But somehow, I think that I am not the only person.

British Rail (or whatever it is called these days) should take note. This is one innovation that you can do without.

Particular praise, though, must go to the designer of our kitchen. The kitchen fan extractor is in danger of being broken. The predicted breakdown is not through overuse, but by being hit by me, every time I hit my head on it. The corners are designed to remove a tiny fleck of skin from a follicly challenged head. Those of you who also have this cerebral enhancement will know how painful this can be.

Who designed this? It must have been a midget. More likely, someone who has never actually done any cooking in his own kitchen. So what is to be done? Moving house seems to be too drastic. Rebuilding the kitchen might be an option. The punishment meted out to the extractor hood does not seem to be working. Some form of defence is called for.

As a matter of public health and safety, I shall be proposing legislation to require all people working in kitchen (commercial and private) to wear protective headgear. I have tested this out. The effect, I think you will agree, is very fetching and practical. This will be extended to people travelling on Swiss Trains.



Now the midgets who design kitchens will have to find another way of causing pain.

It is Never too Early to Speculate

I looked at the BBC news website the other day, as I frequently do, and much to my horror read some NEWS. This came as a shock to me. Firstly, I am not used to finding news on news website, newspapers or on the television any more. Secondly, I was about to write a blog about news being dominated by non-news, so that was one good theory blown out of the water.

But I am not so easily intimidated and will certainly not allow a few inconvenient facts stand in the way of a perfectly good blog.

The news is, in theory, about what has happened. BBC televised 24 hours is generally good at this. That is, apart from the eye strain from flicking from one news presenter to another, while they have a cosy dinner table chat with me. (How they know which one is supposed to be speaking?)

Newspapers and news website…..well, let’s take a quick trip through some non-news themes.

My favourite non-news is what is going to happen today. “Today, the Government will announce that …….” I thought that this should be tomorrow’s news (and it probably will be, as well, allowing the publisher two bites at the “News cherry”). “Capello will tomorrow announce the England team.” is news. He will do so tomorrow and we have to wait. Sorry, but there it is. In non-news speak, it should say “Tomorrow, Capello will announce the following team ……” telling us, by the way, as well who he will choose as goalkeeper. That would puzzle everyone.

A further problem for the BBC 24 Hours news is filling the gaps on a piece of real Breaking News. This is managed with speculation-news. “If this crime proves to be work of terrorists / aliens / frogs ….etc, what would this mean for global security / U.S._ Mars relationships, funding of frog spawning colonies. The possibilities are endless.

I have a theory, that in the same way that football commentators have cards on which they write meaningless statistics about footballers, which they can use when nothing much is happening, news readers have a list of speculation questions “If ABC proves to be the case, what would this mean for XYZ?”, to keep the excitement going.

Answers to speculation questions are always answered with “Yes – well, Susan, it is really to early speculate, but …..” and then proceed to speculate, “If it does prove to be the case that David Cameron is really Robert Maxwell in disguise, then ……..”

Actually, it is never too early to speculate.

By the way, if you have reached this far, the news that I read was that President Sarkozy arrived in London to mark the de Gaulle broadcasts.

The Exercise Car

If I was in charge of world innovation, we would still be living in caves. I am one of those people (the only person?) who thought that “DOS” commands on a Personal computer, were fine and that Microsoft Windows just a sop for lazy people. My life was fine without Windows and mice. Why do we need it now? (My cave is fine. Why do we need to live in houses?).

Having said that, as a child, I did think that carpets were a huge improvement over Lino (Linoleum; not Lino Guglielmo, a very good colleague of mine in New York). But apart from Lino, innovation has a great deal to answer for.

In a continuing spirit of personal honesty, it could be said that I am just a “late adopter”. I could rationalise this by saying that I will buy it when all the bugs are ironed out. The truth is that it takes me two years at least before I can bring myself to try out, say, an IPod. And I am still an IPod user. In fact, I am probably the only person in Zurich who has bought an 8 Gb IPod in the last 6 months and does not have an iPhone. (Perhaps the iPhone will get a chance in two years time, which means that the iPad will have to wait until 2015. By this time it will be obsolete, but only cost £50, and have 100 terabytes of memory)

Latest on my “I will never use a …….” list, is GPS. I mean, what is wrong with a map. Can’t people read anymore! I would never have one in my car. And this brings me to the car. I remember thinking “Who needs electric windows?” “….air conditioning? – just leave the windows open”. The list goes on.

So here is my new innovation. The Exercise Car.

- Fitness engine starting feature. Insert a metal bar into the grill and turn it vigorously
- Special feature for cold weather; pulling a control on the dashboard to enrich the petrol mixture
- Windows are operated by levers in the door, and which build the arm muscles
- Air conditioning is removed, so that the occupants can enjoy the benefits of fresh air, while driving
- Radio, which is operated by turning a dial, and watching the pointer move along the gauge
- 0 – 60 mph in 2 minutes, reducing fuel consumption

Final note on the car front. New car is on the Grumpy Project list. Just at the project concept stage, you understand. Place your bets now as to whether it will have GPS or not. NOOOOOO!

Ministry of Redundant Words

I am a close follower of the news on television. I have no real interest in knowing what is happening in the world, but I enjoy criticising and heckling the newscasters, the camera work, the choice of articles, and special criticism singled out for the comments of political or religious leaders.

My close and scientific observations of the British news have led me to study the Outside Broadcasters. I have noticed that their initial words have been subject to a recent change in fashion. The Interviewer kicks off with a reasonably banal question. “So, Jim, what are the latest developments at Little Bloggwell on the Moat?” “Yes, Cynthia, well, at Little Bloggwell……..”

Yes? Well? What sort of response is that?

“George, how is Little Bloggwell expected to do in the FA Cup today?” “Yes, Fiona…….”

Yes? How can “Yes?” be the answer to a question starting with “How?” Perhaps this is an educated version of the schoolboy “errr ummm”.

However, one thing that I have learned from my general life’s experience is that as much as you might criticise fashion, you cannot stop it. So I have two suggestions.

1. Introduce this linguistic device into everyday conversation. “How was your day at work, dear?” “Yes, well, at work today …….” Someone will be taking the minutes next.

You can imagine a conversation in a bar. “Who won the Little Bloggwell Grand Prix today?” “Yes, Bill, the Grand Prix, which was held today,..…..”. Dear oh dear.

2. Another idea would be to rotate this redundant single syllable word. There could be a industry sponsored panel which would be responsible for deciding which word would be used for the following month.

Let me make some suggestions to kick off the panel’s work.

Kick
Dark
Woof
Moon

But my winner for the first month is “Frog”. “What are Nicolle Kidman’s chances at this year’s Oscars?” “Frog……” All answers must be started with this word.

You will have noticed that outside broadcasters walk around, usually towards the camera, and wave their hands while they talk? While my “Word-of-the-Month” panel is meeting, it could lay down the next walking and hand waving fashion. Ministry of Silly Walks and Words. I think that something like this has been done before.

Lance Armstrong - here we come!

I have talked for so long, about cycling from Thalwil to Chur (120 km). When the perfect opportunity came, it had to be done or Grumpy would have to shut up. Good weather, but not too hot and a member of the “Red Candles” to accompany me. PERFIK.

Met at Wannenstrasse at 08.10. Well equipped with water, sandwiches, snacky thingies with too much sugar and healthy nuts. Cycling gloves and helmets. Suncream, sunhat (for stops) and a signed form from Jim Gollan saying that 1) He does not hold Colin Hawker responsible for anything and 2) this was all his idea and 3) Colin Hawker is not such a bad chap, despite what everyone says.

Overnight bag left in the support car, driven by Hazel. And off we go.

http://www.gmap-pedometer.com/?r=3773760 shows the route (but you will need to blow it up a bit)

Thalwil to Richterswil 16 km (coffee and chocci gipfeli pause) Feeling good
Pfäffikon 22 km (Oh yes; charging on)
(short stop at Bollingen)
Rapperswil 27 km (Getting into the groove now)
Schmerikon 37 km (Pause) Feeling OK (ish)
Ziegelbrucke 53 km (lunch and recover) Feeling as if we have done some cycling
Mühlehorn 64 km (Oh, Better than expected).
Mols 68 km (long pause, and photos of the lake)

Walenstadt 75 km – nice lake - time for an ice cream and longer pause. Can we stay here, please? Now it’s beginning to hurt. Next section to Sargans is a steady 1% gradient (don’t laugh) and a 3 mph headwind and feels like climbing up Mount Everest.

Sargans (which is a town that shows its hatred for cyclists, by directing them through a closed off building site) 90 km (I am glad that bit is over)

Landquart 104 km (Knackered. Quick meeting; Jim in the Chair; Colin taking the minutes. IT WAS UNANIMOUSLY RESOLVED that we cannot stop now. Text Message to Support car, saying we are running 45 minutes behind schedule

More time lost, as we double back. "Jim, I swear that there was a path here last time I was here."

Chur (Athleticum) 118 km Arrive, pretending to look cool and elegant, with a sprint finish at 19.10 for photographs, TV interviews, champagne; book offers; statements that it was not trouble at all etc). Comments from Support Car “You both look white and knackered”- WHAT!!

…and no, you cannot go on to Domat Ems.

(For those who can do maths, 120 km in 10 hrs 40 mins is average of roughly 7 mph. Lance Armstrong – here we come.) Do they have Pauses in the Tour de France?

Followed by beer, wine, fish and chips and peas, chip butties, tomato ketchup, or HP sauce.
But definitely no grappa!!

Another tick in the box!! What’s next? Zurich Triathlon 2011? Better start training.

Who Took the Last Chocolate Brownie?

With apologies to Fabian Wallmeier

You know the scenario. You are in a living room, with a group of friends. You are chatting pleasantly. The tea and cakes have been served and now comes the moment you are dreading. There is only one cake left.

Everyone pretends not to notice. No one says anything. It would be a brave and foolhardy soul, who reaches over and takes the last cake. “Would anyone like the last cake?” someone modestly enquires. “Oh no, please go ahead”, comes the reply, instantaneously and probably unanimously. The last cake is taken and everyone can breathe again.

The reply “Yes – please, I haven’t eaten for 5 days” is not a socially acceptable response on these occasions.

But what happens if someone takes the last cake without saying anything? How could anyone live with themselves, after just leaning casually across and removing the solitary item and placing it unceremoniously into their mouth. What if having digested the cake in question, they then lick their fingers, and announce “That was good, wasn’t it”, or better still, after being stared at by so many disbelieving looks, adds “Oh sorry; did anyone else want this?” What still, if the person in question has to walk across the room to get to the plate?

Social exclusion follows. The frosty stares accuse the perpetrator of this ghastly crime.

Admire, then, the person who takes the last cake. Consider the service that they are providing to their friends, by removing the object of temptation from them. Consider further, the moral courage shown.

I could! Fabian Wallmeier did!! (although, in his case, Fabian's case, it was a chocolate brownie). Please remember the complement that Fabian and I are paying to the cook (because at all such occasions, we are talking “Home Made!!” with a Capital H.). Oh, yes, us gannets perform an important environmental functions, flattering out hosts and relieving the embarrassment of our friends.

Well done, Fabian.